What If?

© 2022 Tanya Straker All rights reserved Printed in United States of America ISBN: 979-8-9851309-1-1 (Paperback)

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by reviewers, who may quote brief passages in a review. To request permissions, contact the publisher via www.tanyastraker.com or email [email protected].

What If?

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LIFE HACK #1

Dare to Own How You Want to Feel

What If?

CHAPTER 1 SUMMARY DARE TO KNOW HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL NN To thrive as a caregiver, to not be battered about like a rowboat in a raging storm of emotions, you first have to know how you want to feel, then choose to feel good. Become your own DVR (Digital Video Recorder). Have compelling pictures from your life stored up and available for download, on demand. When I found myself overwhelmed as a resistant family caregiver, these are the joyful feelings I tapped into: Favorite moments • The joyful feeling I had of the New Jersey State Fair after dark • The feeling of overwhelming awe I had sitting an entire day, by myself, overlooking the Rift Valley in Kenya Photographs I carry in my head and can picture at will • My fifth birthday party with all of the kids from the building gathered around the kitchen table waiting for me to cut the cake • Graduating from American University, walking across the stage, to receive my master’s degree Moments from favorite movies that generate, as songs say, positive vibrations • All scenes in The Lord of the Rings where members of the Fellowship move like lightning across the breath-taking New Zealand landscape • The relationships between the characters on the television show Girlfriends

ACTION #1

Identify a set of compelling pictures from your life, pictures that generate good feelings. And be able to access those pictures and bring up those feelings on demand.

BE YOUR OWN COACH ACTIVTY How Good DO You Want to Feel? INSTRUCTIONS: For each statement, identify moments from your life that evoke, from deep within, positive, energizing thoughts and images. Activity 1a. What three moments from your life —when you recall them—feel amazing? Now recall the first moment. Spend a minute or two feeling its presence before moving on to the next moment and then the next. Activity 1b. What images come to mind—whether photographs, artwork or digital—that generate positive feelings you would like to feel again and again? This time close your eyes and recall the first image in your mind. Now imagine you are downloading its positive energy from your head down to your toes. Do the same with the second and third images. -

Activity 1c. Identify moments from favorite movies or TV shows that generate feelings of hope and good times. Bring each moment to mind and reflect on what about it you find compelling. Treasure the feeling and your insight. -

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Post Your Images on Facebook at www.facebook.com/groups/6LifeHacks

What If?

LIFE HACK #2

Live Curious! Ask

“What If?”

CHAPTER 2 SUMMARY WHAT IF?

As a caregiver, there is always something new to learn, something to figure out, a problem to be solved. And sometimes questions, not solutions, are the answers. It is a matter of mindset, your collection of thoughts and beliefs that shape how you think, how you feel and what you do. And creating an unstoppable, unbeatable mindset can be learned. It’s a matter of practice. And asking “What if” questions are one of the simplest to put into practice. The “What if” mindset practice refers to a series of questions you pose to explore the positive possibilities of a situation and in the process, relieve feelings of stress and agitation. They can be used to help you maintain a positive state of being or help you move up to a positive state. Power your “what if” thoughts with curiosity and make mindset practices a way of life. Here are “what if” questions I might have asked as I prepped for a Thanksgiving with Mom in cognitive decline and me overtired from my job and caregiving. What if I could I enjoy tomorrow without making myself crazy? What if I could pull everything together on Thanksgiving Day using just what is already in the house? What if I made something turkey “like?” What if I could do something that would make the day extra special for mom? And what if, on top of everything else, I could get some sleep? Lol! W

ACTION #2 When faced with a problem, pose a series of “What If?” questions to explore positive possibilities and relieve anxiety. Keep the questions light, almost playful, and power your questions with authentic curiosity.

What If?

BE YOUR OWN COACH ACTIVITY What If?

Instructions: For each scenario, create a series of “what if” questions to open up positive possibilities for the actions to follow. Be authentically curious and keep the questions light, almost playful. Activity 2a: Maintaining A Beautiful State You know what it feels like to feel good. In this scenario, you’re coming back from a week of respite. All went well with your caree, home health aides and family that helped out. You are feeling good. Fill in the blanks with “what if” questions that would keep you in that good-feeling place. What if _______________________________________________________? What if _______________________________________________________? What if _______________________________________________________?

Activity 2b: Stepping up from a Neutral State Feeling neutral is better than feeling bad. Not thinking about anything in particular is better than berating yourself or someone else. Fill in the blanks with “what if” questions to step up to better feeling-thoughts. In this scenario, you’ve had a long day. You drove to the city to accompany your 94-year-old parents to get their COVID 19 vaccines. All went well, but driving back home was a nightmare because of the traffic. Fill in the blanks with “what if” questions that might shift your attitude from feeling just okay to feeling great before you get home. “What if …?” What if _______________________________________________________? What if _______________________________________________________? What if _______________________________________________________?

BE YOUR OWN COACH Activity 2c: Stepping Up from A Suffering State Losing your connection with yourself feels bad. You feel drained. Heavy. But what if you could feel even a little less bad? Wouldn’t that be better? Just that question, asked in a true spirit of curiosity, can start you feeling better. Not happy, not on top of the world. Just a little bit better. Add to the following series of questions your own what-ifs. What if “What if” questions really worked? What if I could feel better than I feel right now? What if that really worked? What if I could feel like getting out of bed? Or dancing? What if I could feel like dancing? What if _______________________________________________________? What if _______________________________________________________? What if _______________________________________________________?

.

LIFE HACK #3

Live A Triple Stranded Life

Honor your caree’s agency <

Honor your own agency <

Create a life that works for you both

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CHAPTER 3 SUMMARY THE TRIPLE STRAND

Your identity as a caregiver can easily hijack your life due to the time you devote to caregiving on multiple levels: emotional, physical and cognitive. The model of the caregiver’s triplestranded life encourages you to not let that happen. Rather consider that you as an adult, and your care receiver as an adult have agency to drive the direction of your lives. In addition, you and your care receiver have dual agency and a shared purpose. To create balance, envision what could be and identify the elements of a plan to make it happen.

ACTION #3

Create a comprehensive care plan that envisions a satisfying life for you, a satisfying life for your care receiver and a satisfying experience for you both. TRIPLE STRAND PLAN PERSONAL AGENCY/PURPOSE

MOM’S AGENCY/PURPOSE

Vision/Outcomes/Wants: To feel good all the time: emotionally, spiritually, financially.

Vision/Outcomes/Wants: To have new experiences, learn, to express love and uplift others

Actions: Morning routine, eat 2x a day, stat a business, sell my home.

Actions: Communicate needs, accept assistance, be independent

Our Carer-Caree Entwined Agency Vision/Outcomes/Wants: To keep us living in family home for as long as financially viable; for us to live a balanced, stress-free and happy life; keep mom safe, healthy, independent and engaged.

Actions: Observe, learn Mom’s wants, likes and dislikes, provide a variety of daily activities, daily document symptoms, hire additional help, etc.

Triple Strand

BE YOUR OWN COACH ACTIVITY Your Personal Agency Instructions: Apply the concept of the triple-stranded life to your life, the life of your care receiver and your entwined lives as caregiver and care receiver. Envision the quality of your lives and elements of a plan that would satisfy you both. Activity 3a: Personal Agency Outside of your caregiving responsibilities, there are things you want, a life you imagine. What are those things? What are two or three key actions you can take over the course of a day, a month or a year that will significantly move you forward toward your desire?

Activity 3b: Caregiver-Care Receiver Agency You and your caree are on a caregiving journey. No matter your caree’s level of physical or mental capacity, it is likely you want the same things from your relationship: to be healthy, happy and loved. What that looks like, what that can look like, is unique to you and your caree. You do a lot for your caree, but years into the future what will you remember from this time?

BE YOUR OWN COACH BE YOUR OWN COACH Activity 3c: Caree Agency

Whether or not your caree has retained their cognitive and physical abilities— if your caree no longer recognizes you and can no longer do for themselves—your caree has agency. What is your care receiver doing and experiencing in this phase of life that is different from their life up until this point? What does this suggest to you about what this phase of their life is about? What is their life’s purpose at present? Consider how their purpose correlates with your personal agency.

LIFE HACK #4

Your Life Is NOT on Hold <

Build a Stronger More Formidable You

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CHAPTER 4 SUMMARY THE HERO’S JOURNEY

The Hero’s Journey The Return

The Initiation The Call

When you step into caregiving, it is natural to focus your

ACTION #4 Explore how your caregiving journey is helping you to forge a stronger, more formidable you.

attention on how your outer world is changing—what you now spend your time doing and what you no longer do. Only tending to this aspect of the caregiving experience is what drains you. Tending to your inner life is where the magic happens. Recognize that you have stepped into a major life encounter as epic as Homer’s Odyssey or Lucas’ Star Wars and that you are playing a role as heroic as Beowulf or as iconic as Rocky. You and your care receiver are co-creators of your own dynamic show. From this perspective, caregiving does not happen to you, it happens for you.

The Hero’s Journey

BE YOUR OWN COACH ACTIVITY Insights & Realizations Instructions: Respond to the following questions to explore your caregiving experience through the three acts of Joseph Campbell’s hero’s journey.

Activity 4a: The Call

The stories that inspire us to do and be more start when the hero of the story is called to a mission. Like Neo in The Matrix or Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games, the hero does not selfidentify as a hero. Taking on the mission will require more skill and courage than they perceive they have and it will require that they leave the comfort of their life. But eventually, the reluctant hero is moved to act. As a caregiver, you too were called to a mission to care for a family member or friend. How did you respond? How did your response influence you as you continued on your journey?

BE YOUR OWN COACH ACTIVITIES BE YOUR OWN COACH Activity 4b: The Initiation

The hero steps over the threshold into a mythical world, very different from their ordinary world. In the mythical world of The Lord of the Rings, the hobbits encounter orcs and trolls, Nazguls and goblins. They face dark and forbidding environments: swamps, caves, the fires of Mount Doom. They also enter into beautiful elven kingdoms, encounter talking trees, and meet stewards and kings who guide and support them along the way. They discover they are more than they thought they could be. Who are the people and what circumstances have shown up as obstacles in your world of caregiving? Who and what have been your biggest supports?

What have you done that you’d never done before you stepped into the caregiving role? What are you most proud of having accomplished? What surprises you about you?

The Hero’s Journey

YOUR OWN COACH BE YOUR OWN COACH Activity 4c: The Return Home

Once the mission is over, the hero may refuse to return home. The experiences of the ordinary world will never be able to compete with the emotional depth of the grand adventure just completed. Integrating back into the world presents new challenges. Some may not want you to return to your old life. New mentors and guides will show up to support you in bringing your insights about life and/or your area of expertise to the world. How has caregiving changed you? How has caregiving strengthened you? Who would you choose to mentor you as you make your way back to your next best life?

Adapted from the work of Denise Brown, The Caregiving Years: Six Stages to Meaningful Journey ~ 20 ~

The Caregiving Years

LIFE HACK #5

Know where you are on the Six Stages Roadmap <

Learn the Strategies & Use Them

6 Life Hacks for Family Caregivers

CHAPTER 5 SUMMARY THE CAREGIVING YEARS THE CALL

THE INITIATION

THE RETURN

ExpectantTM

FreshmanTM

EntrenchedTM

PragmaticTM

TransitioningTM

GodspeedTM

ASK

FIND

RECEIVE

WELCOME

ALLOW

TREASURE

For over 20 years, Denise Brown, founder of the Caregiving Years Training Academy, has thought deeply about the experience of family caregivers. Her seminal work, The Caregiving Years: Your Guide to Navigating the Six Caregiving Stages, showcases the universal arc of events when caring for a chronically ill adult. Whether you are just stepping into the caregiving role, are an experienced caregiver or you have cared for someone in the past, understanding how you traversed the six stages of The Caregiving Years is of incredible value. It is core knowledge that every caregiver should have.

ACTION #5

Discover where you are on the Caregiving Years roadmap. Learn the strategies and use them.

The Caregiving Years

BE YOUR OWN COACH ACTIVITY Identify Strategies Instructions: To better understand the caregiving years model as it applies to you and your care receiver, answer the following questions which correlate with the six stages of the caregiving years. Activity 5a: The Expectant CaregiverTM

As an expectant caregiver, your key strategy is to ask: ask questions of your caree, health care professionals, lawyers, financial planners, and family members. • Describe your caregiver-care receiver situation: your care receiver’s medical condition, residential and financial matters, family dynamics,. What makes/made this situation stressful?

• What aspects of caregiving are you most comfortable in handling and what do you wish someone else could handle? What questions do you need to ask, and whom are you reaching out to for information and/or advice? OR What questions were you glad you asked? What did you totally miss or misunderstand? What would you encourage others in your situation to find out more about?

6 Life Hacks for Family Caregivers

BE YOUR OWN COACH BE YOUR OWN COACH Activity 5b: Freshman CaregiverTM

As a freshman caregiver, your key strategy is to find: find services that help, find support that comforts and find ways to enjoy your hobbies and interests. • Think back to the time you stepped into the caregiving role. What were you most concerned about: providing nursing care, time off from work, finances, less time with your children or something else? What service/support for your caree was your greatest find and why? What did you do right? What is your greatest lesson from that time?

Activity 5c: The Entrenched CaregiverTM

As an entrenched caregiver, you are now knee-deep in the oft-perilous waters of caregiving. Your purpose is to develop a routine for both yourself and your caree. However, to get to a routine you have to go through a period of trial and error – that’s a lot of doing. At this stage, your key strategy is to receive: receive help, and whenever possible, receive breaks from caregiving by accepting offers of support. • What are you learning/what did you learn about your capacity to manage multiple priorities? What was challenging that eventually became routine? What help did you seek? What are you most proud of having accomplished at this stage?

The Caregiving Years

BE YOUR OWN COACH BE YOUR OWN COACH

Activity 5d: Pragmatic CaregiverTM At this stage, you know what you are doing; your team is in place, and you feel confident in your caregiving role. As a Pragmatic Caregiver, your purpose is to gain a better understanding of yourself and your caree. And you can begin to take back time for yourself and think about your future. Your key strategy is to welcome: welcome the joys of your relationship, welcome forgiveness, and welcome shared activities with your caree—welcome balance. • What’s going well in caring for your caree and what’s going well in your personal life? What has become routine? What about your care team is working? How do you now define “balance” in your life?

6 Life Hacks for Family Caregivers

BE YOUR OWN COACH BE YOUR OWN COACH Activity 5e: The Transitioning CaregiverTM At this stage, your role is changing as your caree prepares to transition from this life. Your purpose is to be present with your caree during this crucial time. Your key strategy is to allow: allow yourself and your caree to just be, allow time to grieve, remember and reflect on your experiences and begin to open up to what’s next. §

Given your unique caregiver-caree circumstance, how will you or how did you spend this time? What are/were your indicators that your caree is/was preparing to transition? What will you do or what did you do to steady yourself at this stage? What insights do you have for other family caregivers?

Activity 5f: The Godspeed Caregiver

At the time you are actively engaged as a caregiver a lot is going on, on multiple levels: emotionally, spiritually, physically. The fullness of your experience will continue to unfold. Give yourself time to both grieve and appreciate all that has transpired. Your key strategy is to treasure: treasure memories of your caree, treasure your opportunity to share lessons learned, treasure your dreams. •

Once your role as a caregiver has ended, what will you treasure? If your role has ended, what memories do you treasure from that time?

LIFE HACK #6

Mindset Practices Anytime Anywhere

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6 Life Hacks for Family Caregivers

CHAPTER 6 SUMMARY MINDSET MASTERY

Optimism is a skill. It is a practice. What does it take to live in a constant, positive mindset? Practice, practice, practice! It is something you can do for yourself, anytime, anywhere. You can do it in the emergency department while waiting for the hospital to admit your caree or when you find yourself reacting to your son’s not showing up to handle matters at the bank. Caregiving provides hundreds of emotionally triggering experiences. Thankfully, there are hundreds of mindset practices you can engage to support yourself through these moments. Your mission is to find practices that work for you. Think of mindset practices as fitting into one of three categories: § § §

practices that keep you in a positive, upbeat, high-peak state of being practices that keep your thoughts from spiraling down or spinning out of control practices to step up and out from a negative state

ACTION #6 Engage mindset practices to stay upbeat, to stop the spin, stop the downward spiral or step up and out of a negative state, anytime, anywhere

Mindset Mastery

BE YOUR OWN COACH ACTIVITY Identify Practices Instructions: Try the mindset practices provided in the following exercises and reflect on the experience. Activity 6A: Streaming Positive-Feeling Thoughts Identify something you really enjoy doing—traveling, watching movies, playing sports. Set the timer on your phone, and speak out loud for five minutes on the positive aspects of your topic. Then answer the questions below. What did you notice? Did you speak only about the positive aspects, or did you also talk about things you did not like? Did you speak quickly or slowly? Loudly or softly? How did you feel?

Activity 6B: Step Up to Better-Feeling Thoughts with the Alphabet Game For each letter of the alphabet, A through Z, think of a word that expresses a positive feeling and excitement. For example: “anticipate, beautiful, colorful, delightful,” and so on. Then answer the questions below. What did you notice, if anything, about shifts in your energy level?

6 Life Hacks for Family Caregivers

BE YOUR OWN COACH BE YOUR OWN COACH Activity 6C: Pivoting Away from Negative-Feeling Thoughts Sometimes when you are overtaken by negative emotion, the best thing you can do for yourself is to go to sleep and let the moment pass. Other times engaging a mindset practice can shift you to a better-feeling place. What aspects of caregiving are most likely to engender one of the following emotions: depression, despair, rage, guilt, compassion fatigue, stress, blame or outrage? What incidence would you be happy to pivot away from by engaging an appropriate mindset practice?

There is a time when the hero loses a battle and has to retreat, has to sleep to regain strength. It’s all a part of winning in your life. As you move forward again, you gain strength, wisdom, and character. You feel what a hero feels inside. You become a master of two worlds, and you have a story to tell. I look forward to hearing it.

So What? Now What?

Bonus Hack

Don’t Go It Alone

The Staircase of Emotional Well-Being Step Up From Depression to Joy

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Stepping Up to Better Feeling Thoughts

Bonus Hack

Keep reaching for better-feeling thoughts (always!)

Connect with the Author Tanya is a Certified Health Coach, Caregiving Consultant and Educator. She holds a master’s degree in Organization Development, and certifications from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland. For 20+ years as a coach, trainer and process consultant, she indulged her passion for innovation and helping individuals in healthcare organizations succeed. Tanya is now committed to doing the same on behalf of family caregivers by expanding beyond what is traditionally offered as caregiver education and building a new kind of caregiver support community based on friendship and entrepreneurship. To stay informed about her work as a family caregiver advocate, life and energy coach visit tanyastraker.com. To say hello in person, join her for Coffee with Caregivers every Tuesday. The Caregivers Thrive Café is a virtual meeting space for family caregivers to meet socially and as fellow entrepreneurs and gig workers. www.caregiversthrive.org Connect with her on Linked In where she will share information and updates on support for family caregivers from public and private spheres. www.linkedin.com/in/tanya-straker Engage with Tanya on Facebook and Instagram. She will be posting her compelling pictures and mindset breakthroughs and checking in to see yours. www.facebook.com/groups/6lifehacks And finally, get your I Am Enough, Breath and Say Yes! tank tops and special-order t-shirts at www.innermetanksandtees.com.

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Urgent Plea!

Thank You

for reading my book! As a new author and family caregiver advocate I need your input to make the next version of this book better. Please take two minutes to share your insights by leaving a review at

www.amzn.to/3r7IYmr

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How Good Do You Want to Feel? Image by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay

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