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Notion Press No. 8, 3rd Cross Street, CIT Colony, Mylapore, Chennai, Tamil Nadu – 600 004 First Published by Notion Press 2020 Copyright © Jyoti Kapoor 2020 All Rights Reserved. ISBN Paperback: 978-1-63606-650-9 Hardcase: 978-1-63669-530-3 This book has been published with all efforts taken to make the material error-free after the consent of the author. However, the author and the publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other cause. While every effort has been made to avoid any mistake or omission, this publication is being sold on the condition and understanding that neither the author nor the publishers or printers would be liable in any manner to any person by reason of any mistake or omission in this publication or for any action taken or omitted to be taken or advice rendered or accepted on the basis of this work. For any defect in printing or binding the publishers will be liable only to replace the defective copy by another copy of this work then available.

Dedicated to Papa

S K Kapoor (1.1.1952 - 13.10.2020)

Papa I had thought your loss won’t matter much (You miss what you need right?) You were there when I needed you Always Reluctantly even

And then one day I stopped needing you I picked up all the burdens and started carrying them I had thought I won’t miss you because now I had gotten used to carrying my own burden Always Reluctantly even I could even carry yours If you would let me You had taught me that empowered me From gently coaxing to forcibly imposing Those were your methods And I was angry at times Not ready But I learnt anyway I had thought I had learnt it all

You won’t need to teach me anything anymore But (Papa) I am not so sure Why you left Because you thought you have taught me all Or Because I can’t be taught anymore ….

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Contents Foreword ...................................................................................................11

The Dreamer 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18.

Dream Talk ................................................................................... 17 Once Again ...................................................................................19 If He Ever Was….......................................................................... 21 The Apple Pie .............................................................................. 23 Drunken Reverie! ........................................................................ 24 All Things Sinful......................................................................... 26 The Night’s Admission .............................................................. 28 Unsaid ...........................................................................................30 Words ............................................................................................ 32 My Non Reality........................................................................... 35 The Night Is My Inebriation ................................................... 37 I Scatter… ...................................................................................... 39 Dreams and Nightmares - Waking up ...................................41 Not Dead....................................................................................... 42 Dissolution ..................................................................................43 Hope for a wish ..........................................................................44 Wish ..............................................................................................45 The Storm That Never Came...................................................46

The Seeker 19. The Seeker ....................................................................................49 20. Search............................................................................................. 51

Contents

21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32.

Lonely Musings…. ...................................................................... 53 Lost Trinkets................................................................................ 55 My Missing Pieces ..................................................................... 57 Inspirations! ................................................................................. 59 It .....................................................................................................60 The Craving ................................................................................ 62 How? .............................................................................................64 Who Is The One? ........................................................................ 65 Answers ........................................................................................ 67 Colour Continuum 5 - Never Heard.......................................69 The Success Story....................................................................... 72 Insatiable ...................................................................................... 74

The Wanderer 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42.

Anomaly ....................................................................................... 79 The Shadow ..................................................................................81 Vagabond......................................................................................83 Destination Home .......................................................................85 Black is My Colour .................................................................... 87 Blank! ............................................................................................89 Innocence Was My Virtue .........................................................91 The Capital in ‘I’ ......................................................................... 93 Fear ................................................................................................ 95 ‘May be’ s! ....................................................................................96

The Observer 43. Theatrics .......................................................................................99 44. When I Close My Eyes............................................................. 101 45. Kites and Eagles.........................................................................103

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Contents

46. 47. 48. 49. 50. 51. 52. 53. 54. 55. 56. 57. 58. 59. 60. 61. 62. 63. 64. 65. 66. 67. 68. 69. 70. 71. 72. 73. 74. 75. 76.

You ................................................................................................105 My Breviary of Your Letters! ................................................. 106 The Caress.................................................................................. 108 Stains............................................................................................ 110 The School....................................................................................112 Sick ............................................................................................... 114 My Arms Are Not Enough...................................................... 116 Folklore ......................................................................................... 118 Practicality .................................................................................. 119 Rituals ...........................................................................................121 Regrets ..........................................................................................123 Life ................................................................................................125 Reciprocation ..............................................................................127 Matters of Matrimony .............................................................129 Behind Closed Doors .................................................................131 Conversations (2) ......................................................................133 Beyond Fairy Tales ...................................................................135 Observations - The Spaces (2) ...............................................137 Tears of Joy .................................................................................138 Smudged ......................................................................................139 Moves.......................................................................................... 140 The Vacuum .............................................................................. 141 No Friends, No Enemies ..........................................................142 Loss.............................................................................................. 144 The Sounds .................................................................................145 The Travellers .............................................................................147 After The Rain ............................................................................150 Hi...................................................................................................152 The Fallen Goddess! ..................................................................154 Circles of Life..............................................................................156 The Arid World..........................................................................158 9

Contents

77. Moving Back ............................................................................. 160 78. You Cry… .....................................................................................162

The Believer 79. 80. 81. 82. 83. 84. 85. 86. 87. 88. 89. 90. 91. 92. 93. 94. 95. 96. 97. 98. 99.

Person First .................................................................................167 Ashes ............................................................................................169 States of Matter - 2 ....................................................................171 Colour Continuum 7 - My New Red ....................................173 My Universe ...............................................................................176 Do Not Fear.................................................................................178 An Ode to the New World! .................................................... 180 The Star Of The Moonless Night! .........................................182 My Silence ................................................................................. 184 Freedom ...................................................................................... 186 I Am the Light ........................................................................... 188 The Woman ............................................................................... 190 The Story Of An Abstract Art… ............................................. 191 Colour Continuum 8 - Don’t Miss Me ................................193 The War Cry ..............................................................................195 Sleep…Oh Soul! ..........................................................................197 Superhuman ...............................................................................199 What Matters! ............................................................................201 Lost World .................................................................................203 Colour Continuum 9 - ‘I’ ........................................................205 The Lamp Post .........................................................................208

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Foreword “I burn ……because I am the light”; These words pout from the mouth of a non-personal consciousness. They are not from the person we know as Dr Jyoti Kapoor but from the deep recess of her conscious and wisdom presence. Her utter helplessness of being “merely human” is her subtle power of being. As one reads the poems in this book, one will travel through one’s shadows of darkness and light as her narrations of human emotions and the depths of its feeling will incite a rebellion in its readers. They will cry, laugh, fret, sigh and experience every emotion in an amplified dimension as these poems will bring them face to face with their psyche. Fragility and brokenness is not a matter of being ashamed of…but to duly own and embrace. The romantic longings expressed in these poems are not merely that but emerge from a void which has amassed enough wisdom from its human experiences. It is a reflection of a soul who has traversed life and seen its glory and shame both alike. May all readers fall back on their true self as they swoon to the literary delight and May Dr Jyoti Kapoor continue to engage, learn, long and untie threads of human presence, sharing this light which she has duly become….with our aching world. Dr Pallavi Kwatra Publisher, Author, Doctor & Entrepreneur www.drpallavikwatra.com

The You is Me And I am all of You Jyoti Kapoor

The Dreamer

If anyone has ever asked me about life and its purpose, I have ref lexively called it a journey, and no matter how many years have passed since I first used this analogy, I couldn’t change the association either for the sake of novelty or for the sake of creativity. For that matter, any conscious endeavour that encompasses two points of time starts with an itinerary and reaches a conclusion which, of course, is never the end. ‘The journey within’ is another such exploration of the human psyche and its various perspectives. At any given time, we interact with our environment through a genetically as well as socio-culturally defined perception and gradually, as the landscape changes, so does the vision, and we see the same things differently, interpret them differently and we reach different conclusions. The ever-mesmerized dreamer evolves into an all-acknowledging observer while seeking the fulfilment of fantasies and gradually turns to believing in herself and the inevitability of the flux in her own inner world. This acknowledgement is perhaps the eventual destination until the wheel takes the next turn and we begin again. Itineris-II attempts to capture the many emotions that stir the conscience and ideas form and deform to collude with their own meanings and interpretations.

Dr. Jyoti Kapoor is a consultant psychiatrist and psychotherapist who is currently practising in Gurugram, Haryana. She has always been interested in arts, literature, music, dance and theatre. She started writing poems and stories and participated in debates, declamations, poetry recitations and essay-writing competitions since her primary school and was even awarded by the then prime minister P V Narsimha Rao in 1991. She pursued medical education from Sardar Patel Medical College, Bikaner and her interest in mysteries of human emotions and behaviour inspired her to study psychiatry as her postgraduate course from Pt B D Sharma Institute of Medical Sciences, Rohtak. She has been practising psychiatry for more than 15 years and often pens down the strife and tribulations of her patients’ innermost conflicts while empathising with them at a therapeutic level. Her first anthology of the undulating course of love and its many expressions, Itineris: The Journey Through Mirages, was published by Notion Press in 2017 and garnered positive reviews. She is continuing her exploration of the inner world of mental processes at the biological, psychological and spiritual levels and compiling further such literary expressions for a wider audience. Price 299