KALEIDOSCOPE REMNANTS OF MY HEART

ANJALI BALACHANDRAN

Copyright © Anjali Balachandran All Rights Reserved. ISBN 978-1-63940-976-1 This book has been published with all efforts taken to make the material error-free after the consent of the author. However, the author and the publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other cause. While every effort has been made to avoid any mistake or omission, this publication is being sold on the condition and understanding that neither the author nor the publishers or printers would be liable in any manner to any person by reason of any mistake or omission in this publication or for any action taken or omitted to be taken or advice rendered or accepted on the basis of this work. For any defect in printing or binding the publishers will be liable only to replace the defective copy by another copy of this work then available.

In memory of my late father. “And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” • Do not go gentle into that good night, Dylan Thomas

Contents Preface

vii

Acknowledgements

ix

Prologue

xi

POETRY - An Empty Canvas 1. Words Are Magic

3

2. Literature And Science - Worlds Apart

4

3. Why I Write Poetry

5

4. The Art And The Artist

6

5. Poetry - Career Or Barrier

8

IMAGINED WORLDS - Being Someone Else 6. What If?

11

7. I Could Be Elizabeth Bennett

12

8. Heart Made Of Scars

13

9. Everyday A Reverie

14

10. Who Am I?

15

11. If Time Was An Illusion

16

12. Thoughts Spiraling

17

LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP - Pillars Of Life 13. What Is Love?

21

14. Dance With Me

22

15. Modern Fairytale

23

16. Symphony

24

17. Fake Love

25

18. Not For The Faint-hearted

26

19. Farewell

27

20. Breaking Bonds

28

•v•

Contents 21. Sick Of Love

29

22. When Loving You Is A Battle

30

23. Not Made For Love

32

24. This Is Goodbye

33

EMOTIONS - Rainbows And Clouds 25. Ordinary Girl

37

26. Depression In Disguise

38

27. Terrace Stories

39

28. Dark Days

41

29. Growing Pains

43

30. Finding Yourself

44

31. Fear Fuels You

45

32. Survival Of The Fittest

46

33. Smile

47

NATURE - My Companion 34. Look Up

51

35. Motherland - God’s Own Country

52

36. City Life

53

DEATH AND GRIEF - Lessons In Healing 37. Don’t Die Tonight

57

38. We Live Until We Die

58

39. Love In Your Graveyard

59

40. The End

60

Notes

61

• vi •

Preface Kaleidoscope is the gift that was born out of the turmoil and chaos in the middle of the global pandemic. Writing poetry has always given me peace of mind and that is exactly what I hope it gives the reader too. As you read through the pages, you will find comfort in the fact that you’re not alone in your grief. Consider this book your companion through any rough period of life. Spanning over forty poems, the book addresses truths about losing friends and family, breaking ties when they’re toxic and navigating adulthood under the pressure of societal expectations. It is a concoction of both real-life stories and imagined worlds. I hope you get to resonate with the tales my heart tells you. If you feel inspired, you could also tell your story to the world. Everyone has a voice and it matters. Through verse or fiction, I hope you find the courage to speak your truth and embrace who you are wholeheartedly.

• vii •

Acknowledgements I would like to thank my parents for raising me as they did. With or without their knowlegde they’ve taught me that kindness is the best gift you can pass on wherever you go. I thank my family for being supportive of my goals and understanding the path that I have chosen. I thank my closest friends that have been a safe space for me to go to when I needed help. Most of all I thank my past self, my younger self, for not giving up when she could have easily.

• ix •

Prologue

“We are all going, I thought, and it applies to turtles and turtlenecks, Alaska the girl and Alaska the place, because nothing can last, not even the earth itself. The Buddha said that suffering was caused by desire, we’d learned, and that the cessation of desire meant the cessation of suffering. When you stopped wishing things wouldn’t fall apart, you’d stop suffering when they did.” - Looking for Alaska, John Green (2005)

• xi •

POETRY - An Empty Canvas

1. WORDS ARE MAGIC Words filled with magic, Hoping to inspire. Little do they know, Poets don’t conspire. I burn myself and ask why Empty pages bleed? 2 AM thoughts and Childhood insecurities. Writing came easily, Second to eating. Although done hastily, Often awake at midnight typing. Knew at sixteen, This wasn’t a hobby. This was meant to be, My forever, happily.

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