Every Girl's Untold Story Puberty, Dreams, Sex & So on...

ANISHA JAIN

NOTION PRESS

NOTION PRESS India. Singapore. Malaysia. ISBN 978-1-64892-309-8 This book has been published with all reasonable efforts taken to make the material error-free after the consent of the author. No part of this book shall be used, reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. The Author of this book is solely responsible and liable for its content including but not limited to the views, representations, descriptions, this book shall not constitute or be construed or deemed to reflect the opinion or expression of the Publisher or Editor. Neither the Publisher nor Editor endorse or approve the Content of this book or guarantee the reliability, accuracy or completeness of the Content published herein and do not make any representations or warranties of any kind, express or implied, including but not limited to the implied warranties of merchantability, fitness for a particular purpose. The Publisher and Editor shall not be liable whatsoever for any errors, omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other cause or claims for loss or damages of any kind, including without limitation, indirect or consequential loss or damage arising out of use, inability to use, or about the reliability, accuracy or sufficiency of the information contained in this book.

Contents Prologue.......................................................................... v 1. A New Beginning ....................................................... 1 2. True Love ................................................................. 17 3. First Crush ................................................................ 41 4. The Toxic Relationship ............................................ 61 5. First Drink ................................................................ 81 6. Becoming a Woman ............................................... 103 7. Blossoming ............................................................. 127 8. Finding Independence ............................................ 141 9. Making Friends....................................................... 152 10. The First Time ...................................................... 177 11. A Disappointing Realization ................................ 196 12. Finding Purpose .................................................... 203

Prologue It began when I was struggling to find my real happiness. I had a well-paid IT Job with one of the largest MNCs as a Software Engineer but who cared. Even a minute passed like a month and an hour passed like a year behind that glass box. But all I could think was about the whole world outside waiting for me to fly. I wanted to live under my own terms instead of following orders of senior members who were not so senior if judged by their knowledge. No matter how much did I try to compromise, my mind always went back to my blog, travelling the world and my dream of writing a novel based on the lack of awareness, blind faith on myths and a sense of hesitation among Indians about puberty, sex and many more things which females in India face. I still can picture the day, when I was so frustrated with my Job that I decided to take a break for five days and go home to take my mind off from everything. Being at home, I got some alone time to figure out the things and all I could think about was the fear that I had to go back to the same glass box again. Those five days flew in a moment and there I was again walking through the street holding a laptop bag, a throat leaf around my neck showing the name of the glass box I used to work inside and lost in my thoughts I had a lump in my throat and water in my eyes. I reached at my desk. I could not even fake a smile that day unlike all other

PROLOGUE

days. I logged into Facebook and started scrolling--there I found a quote that changed my life forever-like I never read or heard of this quote but it flashed on my screen at a perfect time. way to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to Steve Jobs I dropped a resignation email, picked up my bag, and left the office. I never entered there ever after. I did not tell anybody except two people My inspiration my brother by heart who always encouraged and guided me on every important path of my life and my strength my love, my life who always supported my dreams, my passion to live fully. And they were quite happy about it. I had no idea how I am going to end up in future but I had courage. Since childhood, everything-- that has happened to me or people around me has made me outgoing and alive. And writing this book is my dream, my passion which makes me feel alive. I plotted my story. I was not a writer, I had a dream of becoming one. And as they say everyone has a writer inside them, you just need to sneak in deeply to find a story. I wanted something that can bring a change in e. And I started beginning from the day I remember about my life as a female.

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1. A New Beginning The thick and hard iron chains clink with every movement of my arms and legs. I use all my strength to move them but nothing works. I wheeze, trying to clear my dry throat. wrong way. The tears pouring down my cheeks and rolling off my chin irritate my skin. I try to wipe my face, pushing towards my shoulder, but I indentations on my outer arms. Stuck inside a prison made of dark brick walls, all I can see through my squinted eyes are a few incoherent shapes and a tall man with a big mustache laughing maniacally. I try to shout but I have no voice. Before another moment can pass, I wake up to the loud buzz of my alarm clock. Three years have gone by and I still wake up to the same nightmare. I stay in a well-maintained, luxurious apartment equipped with many amenities: an air conditioner, a roomy bathtub, well-furnished rooms with magnificent interiors, a home theatre, a private balcony, and a full-time maid. The apartment has it all but, for me, all of these luxuries are in vain. All the money, all the huge air-conditioned buildings that reek of lifelessness, all the sophisticated people trying to fake smiles and build life that comes with a nine-to-five job, following the

orders of ot risks and too ambitious to succumb to the banality of the dark tunnel. The big man in my dream is my manager, laughing at my miserable life; I fill with hopelessness again, a certain pain incommunicable. After all, dreams are just reflections of reality.

monotonous and move on. Every Monday feels like a prison, the keys misplaced until Friday evening. I impatiently wait for the weekend. I roll out of bed, sweat accumulating in my brow and trickling down my temples. I tie up my rough and falling hair, put on my black round glasses, and slam the door of the washroom. I come out twenty minutes later and put on my black trousers along with an ironed formal shirt. loose, I put on some makeup and stumble out of my apartment with my laptop bag. As I walk down to the office, I immerse myself in music, my headphones dangling from my exposed blackcolored smartphone. listening to, I keep a steady pace, concentrating on the path in front of me. I reach my office, the badge around my neck displaying my name and employment in the glass box I 2

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never seen a girl run. I swipe my card and enter the office. The highly illuminated workspace resembles a prison, the - the only possible doorway to set me free. My cubicle is just beside the sk is arranged neatly with one desktop, a keyboard and mouse on one side, and a whiteboard just beside the screen. A happy picture of me in front of lush green mountains highlighted by the brightness of the sunlight is pinned on the left side of the board. Biting my nails, I scroll through the emails I received from my manager. Every word the manager writes hits me like a stone in the eye. Whenever the manager calls me in the cabin, I first eat a healthy serving of chocolate, trying to bury my urge to cry. Every time I look at the glass of throwing it on his face. No matter how hard I try, I can only imagine the big mustached man from my dream in my manager. The only difference between the big mustached man and my manager is the beard; my manager is a well-groomed man with a small beard. He wraps himself in well-ironed, professional attire and knows how to use his smile as a tool to make employees work on the edge. During daily meetings, the manager tells unconscious reaction, I bite my fingernails into my palms. 3

throat, but I devour all of them. After the meeting, I go straight to the loo and call Sahil; he is the only person in my life who keenly pays bossing me around no matter how much effort I put in. ate like all his favorite blurt everything out without listening to the condolences Sahil gives. I feel helpless, feeble. With no other choice, I cry my anger out. Like every other day, I wash off my tears and go back to my desk. Every fifteen minutes, I check the time. Observing the people around me, I fail to understand how everyone enjoys this involuntary work with no life in it. Everyone is glued to their computer screens, working with diligence and enthusiasm. They actually like doing the meaningless programming writing a thousand lines of code with no real purpose but I hate it. At one point, I was also satisfied with this routine. But now, scanning my high-priced outfits, I wonder how I ended up here. I hate writing code only to come out with a typical software that is of no help to the betterment of about the poor? My job offers nothing for the welfare of our society, nothing for the needy, and nothing for me. Ah, Perhaps this is what happens when you choose the path of minimal resistance and make your 4

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parents proud. even making an impact on society. Unsure what I want out of life, I disregard my happiness and focus on earning money. As the clock strikes six, I eagerly take the opportunity to flee the office. Every day I create a new tactic, asking one of my colleagues to go to the manager for some queries as I sneak away. If somehow I fail and the manager asks me to stretch at work, I act as if it were a death sentence. My whole world sweeps away. Suddenly I feel an ache in my heart and it becomes hard for me to breathe. Moreover, if the manager asks me to work over the weekend, I suddenly feel hollowness in my chest. I When I stumble out of the office, I want to forget about all of it. If anyone asks about my day at work, I avoid the d the dark tunnel of nothingness, struggling to find moments of respite little moments of happiness. With time, things become even worse. The life inside the glass box suffocates me; regardless of how hard I try to stay busy, time passes slowly. However, like others, I compromise. I consider myself, like other people around me, ignorant about my desires. I try to hide among the millions of people who just work, becoming nobody. are still struggling to take the one step that can change their lives. 5

manage a fake smile. Orders by managers who are not seniors if judged by their knowledge a tiny bird caged among the non-flying creatures. Every time I try to fly, someone refrains me with the thought of I finally decide a week off will relax my nerves. Even a twenty-fourmy fear of returning; reaching home makes it even worse.

I tell my younger brother about my suffering and desire to do something with real purpose. Though I have why anyone would ever want to leave such an easy, moneyt follow orders and work like a robot. For me, freedom is much more than earning money. He tells my mom and dad about it and Mom shakes her head and leaves the room blabbering. Being patient, my dad tries to explain ch a secure job. more chaos I nod and leave the room. For the first time, loud but I know no one wants to hear me shout. I feel a dullness in my che engulfed by the darkness. I spend the remaining days enveloped in, but to no avail. 6

Anisha Jain

With no other choice, I go back to the same boring and aimless job in Pune. My return is accompanied by I consider, partly like my current job. I think about death but wonder where I would go afterward. Will my soul travel to another dimension to live out my dreams, my passions? Then, I wake up to reality and live my monotonous life. There are no answers to my questions, just the same dream repeating itself and pulling me into darkness. Yet I I go to the office like every other day but this time I can only manage to draw circles on the whiteboard beside me. I keep repeating the same motion until it creates a total mess. Recovering from my lost thoughts, I put the marker back in its place and try to focus on the screen. I have a lump in my throat and water in my eyes. I cannot put on an artificial smile now, unlike all the days before. To be active, I log into Facebook and start scrolling. Every alternate post is about someone getting married or changing from one dull job to another, as if those were the anything people in my circle of friends are doing for the welfare of society. Argh! Why am I getting frustrated with the life of others? I'm not doing anything worthwhile either. 7

When the monotony is about to twist me back into the dark tunnel, the brightness of hope illuminates me. I find a quote that motivates heard the quote before, but it flashes on my screen at the right time. way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no Steve Jobs Reading the quote, I suddenly lose track of my surroundings. I pick up my bag, put on my headphones, tune into my instrumental playlist, and stumble out of the office. I need time. I need complete isolation to mull things over. I run for more than two kilometers, listening to the soothing instrumentals until I reach the park. I sit on the soft, lush green grass. The park attracts me with the gray sky. The green fronds rustle in the breeze, dark clouds hide the sun, and birds chirp. Looking at the different wonders of nature, I realize now is the time to chase another dream. Even trees, which have to stand still in one place, bloom with different shades of flowers in different seasons. And I a woman who experiences changes to my body every month am one of the most profound and strong creatures, a female made by god. I can blossom given the right circumstances; I can follow my dreams and find my purpose. Why should I have to live a monotonous life? I can change my life and fulfill my dreams.

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Anisha Jain

Even the songs I play begin to sound dull and monotonous. With hair falling in my face, I turn off the playlist and tune into the radio, not bothering to brush my hair away. A song begins and the soulful voice of a little girl, full of life and passion, gathers all my attention. The girl's voice a high soprano finds its way into my heart, tugging at a part of me I didn't know was there. Who knew a song could take my life to a new level? ishaa, ek main poori

Either my way of looking at everything changes or the universe signals me to follow my passion. The song inspires me to follow and fulfill my dreams. As I call my beloved Sahil, a wrinkled woman appears from nowhere. xtremely old, probably in her nineties thin and weak. She looks at me through the gray and even raw mangosay anything else, I nod with a smile. It melts my heart to see her working at such an old age, so I buy half the candies from her and put them inside my brown leather office bag lying on the grass beside me. It delights the old lady. She blesses me wishing me a successful life and leaves the park.

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