INDI A

SINGAPORE

M A L AY S I A

Notion Press No.8, 3rd Cross Street CIT Colony, Mylapore Chennai, Tamil Nadu – 600004 First Published by Notion Press 2020 Copyright © Trishina 2020 All Rights Reserved. ISBN 978-1-64951-741-8 This book has been published with all efforts taken to make the material error-free after the consent of the author. However, the author and the publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other cause. While every effort has been made to avoid any mistake or omission, this publication is being sold on the condition and understanding that neither the author nor the publishers or printers would be liable in any manner to any person by reason of any mistake or omission in this publication or for any action taken or omitted to be taken or advice rendered or accepted on the basis of this work. For any defect in printing or binding the publishers will be liable only to replace the defective copy by another copy of this work then available.

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to my dad, the king of our hearts forever and always. His life, this earth, was the kingdom he finally conquered. The mightiest spirit throughout all suffering. Enthroned and crowned by The Almighty himself.

“And now the end is near And so I face the final curtain My friend, I’ll say it clear I’ll state my case of which I’m certain I’ve lived a life that’s full I travelled each and every highway And more, much more than this I did it my way”. Frank Sinatra : My Way

CONTENTS

1. Loss7 2. Career19 3. Addiction26 4. Dependency36 5. Detachment46 6. Pride52 7. The Wake-Up Call

64

8. New Beginnings

76

Glossary85 Acknowledgements87

5

LOSS

“I know some shit’s so hard to swallow, but I just can’t sit back and wallow In my own sorrow, but I know one fact - I’ll be one tough act to follow. Here today, gone tomorrow But you’d have to walk a thousand miles in my shoes, just to see What it’s like to be me. I’ll be you, lets trade shoes Just to see what it’d be like to feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each other’s minds. Just to see what we’d find, Look at shit through each other’s eyes”. Eminem : Beautiful

T

o me, family is everything. I am blessed to have the best and biggest family I could ask for. Not even one annoying cousin or pesky relative to deal with; I love each and every one of them. I live in 7

Smoke and Mirrors

South Bombay but most of my family is abroad. I have two cousin sisters in particular that I’m very close to. They’re my best friends and fortunately, stay only a few blocks down from me. At home, there were eight of us. I have four siblings – two older sisters, one older brother – and my dog, Mojo. My parents who were as in love as when they first laid eyes on each other. And last but not least, my adorable grandma who loves us no matter how much chaos we create. Lucky, right? We were the perfect family. Five years ago, I lost my father to an illness that often can’t be cured. The dreaded word we had all heard about but never saw coming - one that involves a lot of pain, suffering, surgeries and often death. Cancer’s a bitch. I was 14 at the time. He had been ill for around seven years before this happened. My mom was always busy looking after my dad and I didn’t want to add to her stress, so I grew up doing pretty much everything independently. It wasn’t easy growing up watching someone you love suffer. We were constantly in and out of hospitals for all those years, but I had the biggest support system. We were all there for each other. 8

Trishina

I remember the day I found out my dad had only a few months left to live. From then onwards, almost every night I had recurring nightmares of me getting a call at school telling me that he had passed away. That was the last way I wanted to find out. I have a fear of expressing my emotions in front of people and wanted to be at home with him to be able to say goodbye, so I was hoping I wouldn’t have to find out the bad news while I was at school. His last few months were really tough. He was in unbearable pain every single day but was still the strongest he could be. My two sisters and mother would be in his room with the door locked, while my brother and I almost always sat outside because we had to be protected from seeing him suffer. I was too young, and my brother – the gem of our family – has mild autism (hence the protection). 28th September 2015. I skipped school because I had stayed up all night, helping my mom take care of my dad. Later that evening, after being sent out of the room when it got too much, I said a little prayer to God to end his suffering. On the 29th, I woke up with a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t want to go to school, even more so than usual that day. When I went into my parent’s room, I watched my dad as he slept and couldn’t figure out if he was breathing or not. 9

Smoke and Mirrors

I waited there for a good five minutes, anxiously watching him. Finally on noticing him take a breath, I felt more at ease. I eventually decided to go to school, because I had already missed the day before. But there was an unsettling feeling that I couldn’t shake off. I had my head down for the first four lectures until our break and as soon as I got the chance, I ran down and used the school telephone to call my mom. When I heard her voice, I already knew what had happened. I stood there speechless, unable to react. Even though I knew it was going to happen eventually, it’s just something I could never be prepared for. I couldn’t believe I was never going to see him again. I was sent home immediately. The next twenty four hours felt like a horrible dream I couldn’t wake up from. None of the nightmares I had experienced over the last month, did justice to how I actually felt at that point. It was officially the worst day of my life. At the time, I was furious that I was the only one who wasn’t there in his last few moments. Looking back, I realise that it would not have been an easy thing to witness. It didn’t happen very peacefully and an image like that would probably have traumatised me for life. 10

Trishina

There are no words to describe the feeling of losing someone that close to you, especially a parent. The one thing that comforted me was knowing that he was in a much better place and didn’t have to suffer anymore. For almost two weeks after he passed away, people came in and out of my house to pay their respects and give their condolences. Some might think that would be annoying, but it was actually quite a good distraction having all our friends and family over every day. It was when they stopped coming, that everything hit me at once. I’ve never been expressive about my feelings and have a habit of keeping everything bottled up and not talking about it, so I pretty much dealt with it myself. You can never really move on from something like this. You can accept it and learn to live with it, but you can never forget it. My biggest regret is not having spent enough time with him in his last few months. I was only 14 and couldn’t bear to see him suffer more than I already had. So I would avoid being home without realising that it was sacred time I had left with him. I don’t beat myself up over it anymore because being that young, I didn’t know any better. I also think I was better off protected from seeing 11

Smoke and Mirrors

him suffer than always visualising that image when I think of him now. But I just wish we got more time is all. From all my siblings, I was spoilt by him the most. He gave me everything I wanted and more. He was the smartest person most people had come across and everyone was in awe of him. There’s a lot I wish I could’ve said to him in person, but I still talk to him every now and then because I know he’s always around. I looked up to him a lot and will make sure I do him proud. Every year on his death anniversary, we go to a children’s cancer hospital to make donations and spend time with the kids, doing some activity or the other. We’ve always grown up doing a lot of charity, thanks to my mom. She is my biggest strength and inspiration. I’ve always had some sort of special attachment to her. She is very certain that we have a past life connection. Being a mother of four, she is a housewife, and my dad was the one paying the bills. I wouldn’t say it was a struggle as such after he passed away, because we had a lot of help from our extended family. But it wasn’t easy either. *** Growing up, my siblings and I always wanted a dog, or if we had it our way, an entire farm! 12

Trishina

My mom, having four children to look after and always being busy with my dad, was convinced we were too young and she would have to end up doing all the work. To be honest, I think that was just her excuse for being scared of dogs. Then one day, my life changed when someone in my building walked in with a little puppy named Rani. Right then, she was declared our building dog. It was love at first sight. From that day on, I spent all my time with her. I made it my job to raise her and we were inseparable. She was my best friend. Every day when I was going to school, she would drop me off at the bus stop and would be waiting there for me when I got back. Every Diwali, I would stay up all night protecting her from the piercing sounds of the crackers. As soon as my parents left the house, I would sneak her in, bathe her and let her enjoy the luxury of the air conditioning and a comfy bed to sleep on. During the monsoon, I always gave her a raincoat and brought her into my house as much as I could. I fed her every single day. She was super protective of me and could go from being cute and innocent to suddenly snarling at anyone coming my way. When I was sad or upset, mostly about seeing my dad ill, I would go to her and 13

Smoke and Mirrors

she would literally lick the tears off my face and give me comfort. She’s the reason my mom got over her fear of dogs. She had these big brown eyes that just made you melt. After seeing how pure and loving she was, my mom immediately fell in love with her. She basically became a part of my family. There was a time when I was really young, maybe around 8 years old, I was playing with Rani downstairs and my ball went into a garage in my building. I innocently went in to get it back when the driver, who was inside, shut the door of the garage. I wasn’t sure what was happening or why he did that so I tried walking back towards the door to leave. But then he carried me and sat me down on his lap. I was pretty confused; I didn’t know whether this was normal or not, but I was uncomfortable either way. He started playing with my hair and telling me what a cute kid I was and then he handed me a glass and tried to get me to drink what was inside. Rani realised I had been in there far too long and began to bark incessantly outside the garage. On seeing the chaos she was creating, one of the watchmen opened the door from outside. As soon as he saw what was going on, he immediately took me out. When I told my parents, my dad was enraged. They explained to me that what he did was not at all okay, and that he had to be punished. But he just 14

Trishina

got reprimanded and let off with a warning, while I still had to suffer because I had to face him everyday. As a result, I stopped going down to play as much, because I lived in fear of having to experience that (or worse) again. I wouldn’t exactly say I was traumatised after this, but being very young, it did scare me and I was just relieved that Rani had rescued me before anything else happened. I was a pretty tough kid and felt like I had to be able to protect myself and the people around me after this incident. I started working out at the age of 8, so that if I was in a position like that again, I could defend myself or anyone who needed it. Thanks to my protection from above, I’ve only ever been in what could possibly be a dangerous situation like this, but have been saved each time. It sucks that almost every female has had to be in an uncomfortable situation at some point in her life. Unfortunately, this is something many people go through, and very often don’t even get justice. My heart goes out to those people. Even if the perpetrators are punished, it’s the victims that have to live with the scars and the trauma. If you go through anything like this or worse, I urge you to speak up. When Rani was much older, we shifted to another building. By then we had already gotten our dog, Mojo (who Rani was very insecure about). But that 15

SMOKE & MIRRORS Smoke and Mirrors takes you on a journey of self-ref lection through the mind of a teenage DJ as she navigates her way through a smoky haze of music, drugs and partying. To the outside world, she appears to be a 19-year-old having the time of her life. But on the inside, she’s battling hurdles that most people wouldn’t experience in a lifetime. She’s eventually forced to look in the mirror, past the thick smog of the illusion, and ask, “Who am I when the smoke clears?”

Trishina is a 19-year-old DJ born and raised in Bombay. She began her music career almost three years ago and has played at over 100 gigs since. She is a family person, animal lover and sports enthusiast. She owns a variety of video games, has a basketball hoop and a punching bag in her room. She will probably never give up on fulfilling her dream of replacing her dining table with a pool table. Smoke and Mirrors is her first book in which she has journaled her personal experiences. She hopes to foster awareness, inspire teens and spread positivity in any way she can. Price 200