THE POWER OF OPPOSITES How to succeed in your marriage and family not in spite of, but because of, your differences ICHAK KALDERON ADIZES with Yechezkel & Ruth Madanes

The Power of Opposites Copyright Dr. Ichak Adizes 2015 This edition first published in 2018 Published in India by: Embassy Book Distributors 120, Great Western Building, Maharashtra Chamber of Commerce Lane, Fort, Mumbai - 400 023. Tel : (91-22) 22819546 / 22818567. Email : [email protected] Website : www.embassybooks.in Distribution Centres: Mumbai, Bangalore, Kolkata, Chennai, Hyderabad, New Delhi, Pune No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the copyright holder. ISBN: 978-93-86450-89-0

EMBASSY PUBLISHED BOOKS How to Manage in Times of Crisis, 2009 The Ideal Executive: Why You Cannot Be One and What to Do About It LEADERSHIP TRILOGY, VOL. 1, 2004 Management/Mismanagement Styles: Leading the Leaders: How to Enrich Your Style of Management and Handle People Whose Style is Different from Yours: LEADERSHIP TRILOGY, VOL. 3, 2004 Managing Corporate Lifecycles: An Updated and Expanded Look at the Classic Work, CORPORATE LIFECYCLES, 2004 The Pursuit of Prime, 1996 Insights on Personal Growth, 2017 Mastering Change: The Power of Mutual Trust and Respect, 1992 ADDITIONAL BOOKS BY THE AUTHOR Insights On Policy, 2011 Insights on Management, 2011 How to Identify a Style and What to Do About It: LEADERSHIP TRILOGY, VOL. 2, 2004 Corporate Lifecycles: How and Why Corporations Grow and Die and What to Do About It, 1988 How to Solve the Mismanagement Crisis, 1979 Self-Management: New Dimensions to Democracy, with Elisabeth M. Borgese, 1975 Industrial Democracy: Yugoslav Style, 1971 To place an order or see a full list of Adizes publications including books and DVDs, visit us on www.embassybooks.in or write to us on [email protected]

ADDITIONAL WORKS BY Y. & R. MADANES 1. Madanes, Y., & R. From stuckness to growth: Enneagram Coaching. How to read your coachees and transform their lives. Charleston, SC: Madanes School Publishing, 2011. 2. Madanes, Y., & R. From stuckness to growth: Executive Coaching. Unlock your leadership potential with the Enneagram and Adizes PAEI roles. Charleston, SC: Madanes School Publishing, 2012. 3. Madanes, Y., & R. Enneagram Meditation. Charleston, SC: Madanes School Publishing, 2012. 4. Madanes, Y., & R. Wake up! You are not you. The secret to understanding why you keep making the same mistakes and can’t be happy, 2015.

Contents Introduction ....................................................................................................... XI PART I: TODAY’S MARRIAGES & FAMILIES: WHAT’S GOING ON The World Is Changing .............................................................................................3 The Myth of the “No-Conflict, Ideal Couple” ....................................................... 7 “Do You Fight? Apparently You Are Not Meant for Each Other” ............ 11 The Secret of a Family’s Success ....................................................................... 13 Developing a Sense of Togetherness ............................................................... 19 Opposites Attract .................................................................................................... 23 The (PAEI) Roles: The Four “Vitamins” Needed for a Healthy Family....... 25 The (P)roducing Results Vitamin ........................................................... 26 The (A)dministrating Vitamin ................................................................. 28 The (E)ntrepreneurial Vitamin ............................................................... 31 The (I)ntegrating Vitamin ......................................................................... 33 The Inevitable Conflict Among the Roles ...................................................... 37 Functional vs. Deficient Marriages................................................................... 39 Examples of Complementary (PAEI) Combinations.................................. 47 Conflicts of Perceptions........................................................................................ 55 The Lifecycle of the Family.................................................................................. 67

VIII – THE POWER OF OPPOSITES

PART II: “OK, WE GET THE PICTURE... NOW WHAT DO WE DO?” Defining Mutual Trust and Respect ................................................................... 93 Don’t “Solve”—Harness Conflict with MT&R and Make It Constructive .................................................................................... 105 Building and Sustaining MT&R in Your Marriage and Family ................. 111 How to Deal with Your Spouse’s Different Style .......................................... 129 When Your Partner Is Predominantly a (P) or Behaving Like a (P) Right Now ........................................................... 129 When Your Partner Is Predominantly an (A) or Behaving Like an (A) .............................................................................. 131 When Your Partner Is Predominantly an (E) or Behaving Like an (E) .............................................................................. 135 When Your Partner Is Predominantly an (I) or Behaving Like an (I) ............................................................................... 139 Vitamin Deficiencies: How to Enrich Your Style by Adding a Missing Vitamin in Yourself (and What to Do in Case of an “Overdose”) ............. 143 How to Enrich Your Style Adding the (P) Vitamin ............................. 144 Prescriptions for (P) Types Who Overdo the Role............................. 146 How to Enrich Your Style Adding the (A) Vitamin ............................. 148 Prescriptions for (A) Types Who Overdo the Role ............................ 150 How to Enrich Your Style Adding the (E) Vitamin ............................. 152 Prescriptions for (E) Types Who Overdo the Role ............................ 155 How to Enrich Your Style Adding the (I) Vitamin .............................. 157 Prescriptions (I) Types Who Overdo the Role .................................... 159 EPILOGUE ............................................................................................................ 163 APPENDIX Answers to Personal (PAEI) Codes Exercise...................................................... 169

INTRODUCTION – IX

Introduction I am a management consultant. Actually, the word “consultant” is not the most accurate for describing my work: I do organizational or corporate therapy. The system of organizational therapy that I have developed over 40 years is documented in 20 books published in 26 languages, and in a thousand pages of protocols. Through the Adizes Institute, this methodology is being utilized by companies worldwide. Presently, the Institute has offices in 10 countries. Over the years, working with hundreds of companies and thousands of executives, I got feedback from our clients that the Adizes Methodology used in our consulting work applies to family life as well. People were telling us it changed the dynamics in their marriage for the better. Some even said it saved their marriage. I am referring to the normal problems of communication and related issues that one encounters in a marriage, not to problems caused by psychologically impaired people who need professional intervention to deal with their marriage. I was asked to write a book about how Adizes applies to family life. The problem: I had no time to write. For years, I have been working very intensely with major corporations worldwide and with leaders of countries. How, then, could a book be written on this subject? Fortunately, Yechezkel and Ruth Madanes were intrigued by my theories and asked to write a book on Adizes (PAEI) styles and the Enneagrams, which is their area of expertise. I agreed, and that book was published and translated into three languages.1

1 Y. & R. Madanes, From Stuckness to Growth: Unlock Your Leadership Potential with the Enneagram and Adizes (PAEI) Roles. Charleston, SC: MS Publishing, 2012.

Then I found out that they do more than teach Enneagrams. They do family and relationship coaching using Enneagrams. “Why not use the Adizes theory, too?” I asked them. They thought it was a great idea and that is how this book was conceived. Both Yechezkel and Ruth attended my lectures. They were trained in Adizes theory. They read all my books and used the material to write the first draft. I went over it, adding material and making corrections wherever I thought the concepts were not clear enough. In other words, this book could not have happened without them and I am grateful to them for their work.

What Is the Adizes Theory? An organization is a system and a marriage is a system. For a marriage system to be healthy it needs to perform four roles. The first is to perform a myriad of tasks: taking care of each other; taking care of the children and the house; earning enough to support the family; and so on. Furthermore, because it is a system, the family needs rules and discipline— otherwise it becomes a mess. It needs to change and adapt, because a marriage is a multiyear commitment and over time things must change to be functional. And, last, a family needs a culture of interdependence based on intimacy, on mutual caring...on love. For a family to achieve all those functions I discovered that four roles need to be performed: the (P), (A), (E), and (I) roles, which are represented in the acronym (PAEI). Any time one or more of these roles is not being performed, the marriage will be missing something and can end up on the rocks. The (PAEI) roles are incompatible and no one person can perform them well simultaneously. Thus a marriage is necessarily a complementary team. One partner performs some of the roles, the other one the remaining roles. That also explains why, typically, opposites attract. The problem is that once you put together people whose styles are different, conflict arises. The conflict can become dysfunctional and lead to divorce. Or it can lead to growth and self-actualization. What makes the difference is whether there is mutual trust and respect in the family.

What mutual trust and respect means, and how it can be developed and nurtured, is the purpose of this book. We hope that you will not only find this book interesting but also helpful in making your marriage better. Enjoy, Ichak Kalderon Adizes, Santa Barbara, California Yechezkel and Ruth Madanes, Jerusalem, Israel

Acknowledgments I want to thank Yechezkel and Ruth Madanes for their outstanding work on this book, and my wife, Nurit, from whom I have learned a lot about how to bring love and affection into a marriage. Carolyn Healey made it ready for publishing and Emily See did the copyediting. To all, a heartfelt thank you.

PART I Today’s Marriages and Families: What’s Going On