Prologue

floor, mixed within the endless odds and ends. A broken tuba. A plumber's wrench. Children’s books. Cardboard boxes. A three

I crouched with my head in my hands

legged stool. A broken down TV. And many,

breathing raggedly. How long had I sat

many, other things. More than I could

like this? Seconds? minutes? Hours? I

count.

didn’t know. Time had no meaning in this horrible place. Part of me told me to get up. To do

I removed my head from my hands and collapsed onto the soft fleshy floor. Squeezing my eyes tight I bit my lip and

something productive. I didn’t listen to

willed sleep to come. Sleeping was the

that part of me. Do something? Like what?

only respite from this torture. This

Play another game of solitaire? Rifle

isolation.

through the endless clutter within this

Maybe an hour later I opened my eyes.

void? I chuckled bitterly. There was no

And stared blearily towards the smooth,

escaping. There was no fighting. I was

pale-pink ceiling…I hated it here, in this

stuck here whether I liked it or not. My

ghost’s stomach.

playing cards lay scattered across the

A JESTER’S FLIGHT

*** Growling, I paced briskly back and

Maybe I was just laughing because I desperately needed laughter. Or, of

forth across the path I had made through

course, I could be going insane. That was

the endless mess within the ghost. I shook

always a possibility. In the end I

my head jerkily, haunted by the voices in

resolved to stop talking.

my head, Coward, They whispered, Failure… I feared those voices of doubt,

I glared at the floor. Everything had been so simple before. I was carefree. I had no responsibilities, no worries, and

though they were of my own creation. I

best of all, I wasn’t in a ghost’s

dreaded their words. At first isolation

stomach. And then everything sort of just…

had prompted me to talk to myself. I had

fell apart. First the cows started

talked until my voice went hoarse then

rebelling and I felt obligated to fight

talked some more. Yet eventually I started

back, to defend my race. But greater than

tripping over my words and stuttering.

my nobleness was my eagerness. No, not

Then I had started talking gibberish and

eagerness. Lust. I wanted to feel

laughing for no reason. That had worried

important. I wanted my name to ring

me. Maybe I was just laughing at my luck.

throughout the earth bringing awe to all.

Stopping the NUC seemed the perfect way to do this.

And then, once again, my world was turned upside-down. General Beef was evil!

And then I received the offer.

Cowpatine! How could I have been so

My world was suddenly flipped

foolish? All the talk of justice and

upside-down. Could I really in good

vengeance had gone to my head, leaving me

conscience join the cow rebellion? I

utterly confused.

pictured myself as Agent Moo. The Noble

But the most confusing part was when

Rogue. The Infamous Hero. This prospect

I realized I was still sure cows deserved

caught me like a snare and soon I was an

freedom. I was torn between my

agent for the cows. And a traitor.

allegiances. Should I have joined my kin

I managed to convince myself that

in fighting against the cows? No. I knew

the NUC was fighting for a righteous

the cows deserved liberation. Yet I also

cause. The cows deserved freedom right?

knew I couldn’t join Cowpatine’s forces.

The more I thought about it the more sure

His methods were wrong. I decided upon the

I became. I would fight for the cows. I

middle ground, leaving me rejected by both

would build a better future.

my former allies.

My life had been in shambles. I would

I stirred in my bed as a cold wind

spend each day in either fear or doubt.

chilled me to the bone. That was odd.

Every other night I would sneak out and

Surely the window wasn’t open. I opened my

free cows from slaughterhouses. But was I

eyes to see the window curtains rustling.

really making a difference? Was I even doing the right thing? Yet I continued with my missions. I saved many a cow. I even made the newspaper a few times.

Ooookay, that’s creepy, I thought. Unsettled, I rolled over in my bed. To find myself face to face with an enormous, grinning ghost. I let out a muffled yell but it was

I sighed, snapping out of my musings.

too late. The ghost swept me into his

At least then I was able to DO

arms, lifted me into the air and laughed,

something then. I thought dejectedly, as I

“THE EMPEROR SENDS HIS REGARDS.” He

lay down to sleep.

boomed. And with that he swallowed me whole. ***

***

I gasped, awaking in a cold sweat.

I kicked everything in sight, Letting

Just a nightmare. A nightmare of a memory.

out months worth of frustration. And then…

I shivered despite the warmth of the

“Ow!” I shouted hopping up and down on one

supernatural stomach and rose from the

foot while clutching the other, “Ow! Ow!

ground. My heart rate gradually returned

Ow!”

to normal. My fear was replaced with rage.

I looked down to see what I had

Beef, I thought, clenching my fists, He

stubbed my bare foot on. It was a thick,

did this to me.

hardback book. I picked it up and looked

It was his fault that I was in this

at the cover.

ghost. His fault for my betrayal. His

A Study Of Explosion Dynamics It read. By

cream donuts caught me like a fly in a

Laurie Muller

web. And now I really was trapped. Paying for my actions.

I opened it up, noting how heavy the book was. The pages were dusty and full of

It was too much.

lots of explosion mumbo jumbo. I looked in

I screamed.

the appendix. Fire Explosions, Gas

I yelled.

Explosions, Chemical Explosions, Electrical Explosions, Ect, Ect, Ect.

I sat down,

Now most of you are probably

Can’t be worse than reading Dr.

thinking, Wow John you're sooo cool.

Suess’s Green Eggs and Ham again, I thought. And so I began to read. Two hours of skimming through

To which I reply: Why thank you, yes I am. Now the more perceptive amongst you

Muller’s book later I began to get bored.

are probably thinking, Hold on John, How

Laurie must’ve been a psychopath. I mean

are you breathing in this ghost’s stomach?

who writes this much on explosions? When

How are you not starving? Wasn’t it dark

suddenly something caught my eye. I

in there?

grinned. Making explosions from television parts. The book read.

To which I reply: Clever you! You win a cookie. The answer to your questions is,

I had a feeling that pretty soon,

I honestly don’t know. Ghost stomachs are

there was gonna be a BIG boom in these

weird. I just didn’t get hungry and never

parts.

ran out of air. Maybe because ghost’s don’t need food and oxygen I didn’t? Also ***

ghost’s are pretty glowy. Maybe that’s why it was bright in there. I dunno.

anything that had electricity would work. ***

I began to dig through the endless odds and ends. I managed to pull aside a heavy

I fiddled through the back of the

table with no legs. Something under it

broken TV, Laurie Muller’s book beside me.

caught my eye. A ratty jester’s outfit and

Where was the coil thingy? It was supposed

one of those old fashioned, grinning masks

to be behind the flat silver thingy. I

that people used to wear in Shakespearean

pried another piece aside.

theater. I grinned. That would look

“Bingo,” I whispered. There was the coil

wicked. Wicked in a cool way, you know?

thingy! I was getting worried. What if all

Looking back on it I’m not sure what I was

the pieces weren't here? This was an old

thinking. Maybe I was sorta crazy. But I

TV. One of the big cube shaped ones. Now I

had been wearing the same clothes for a

needed a power source and a bronze looking

long time. I guess the idea of some new

wire.

garb exited me. I decided to stow the mask I stepped back, preparing myself for

and costume away.

my next mission. I had to find a power

Anyway, in front of me was a huuuuge

source. The book said that pretty much

mountain of junk. Maybe twenty five feet

tall. And near the tippity top I spotted a

I just had to pull out the last bit.

lamp. Lamps had to power their light

Yet something at the end of the lamp was

bulbs. I hoped that this one would work.

snagged, keeping it tightly jammed. There

First I dragged a smelly old mattress

was nothing for it. I tugged with all my

over to the pile. This would be my fail

might. Everything remained still. And

safe. Then I began my climb. I started on

then…

a chair. Then hoisted myself up onto a

CRAAAASSSHHHH.

broom. Next a rocking horse and so on.

Oh great.

More than a few times the mountain

I half slid, half fell down the slope as

wobbled. My heart practically stopped when

it formed a garbage avalanche. Being

a mini landslide started. Slowly but not

crushed by hundreds of pounds of trash was

very steadily, I made it to the lamp.

not very high on my bucket list. In

Easy does it, I thought as I gingerly

desperation I kicked off from the pile

removed the lamp. I stood on a broken

with the lamp in hand, then landed onto

ladder that jutted from the trash pile. I

the mattress and rolled. Behind me the

was so close…

debris came crashing down.

***

I fanned the roaring fire I had managed to make, trying to make it smoke

After looking through the TV again I

more. I know, I know,

found the bronze wire thingamabob.

Wait a minute, isn’t that what Pinochio

Apparently, if I put the wire where the

did? Wow John you’re so childish.

lightbulb goes then screwed the light bulb in, it could conduct the energy. Then I had to wrap the wire around the coil thing

Well I’m sorry ok? My options were limited. Anyways, I had tried this before. It

and if I turned the lamp on it would

was NOT comfortable and it didn’t work.

combust. And now for the dangerous part of

But this time I had a lamp bomb. I knew

my plan. Last time I had tried to do this

from experience that first the place would

I had almost died. Oh well, I thought,

start to shake. Then the room would start

better than reading Green Eggs And Ham

to compress and I would get pushed up into

Again.

the throat. Then I would suffocate for a minute or so and then suddenly the throat ***

would open up and I’d fall back down again.

Only this time I’d jam the lamp

ghost. All the random stuff the ghost had

(which I had sharpened at the end) into

eaten clattered noisily. The stomach began

the ghost’s throat. I had recently tied a

to contract. I assumed this was the

string to the switch. If I held onto the

equivalent to a really bad stomach cramp.

string as the throat opened I would fall,

Stage two, I thought, clutching my lamp

causing me to pull the switch while out of

tighter.

reach of the explosion. Easier said than

The stomach was normally around one

done. But not that much easier. That was

hundred fifty yards in diameter. In a

pretty hard to explain.

matter of minutes it was twenty five. Slowly the floor began to rise.

***

Stage three, I thought. I saw a small opening in the ceiling; the throat. I

The floor rumbled.

positioned myself directly beneath the

Stage one, I thought, trying to steady

hole. Soon I was pushed inside. It was a

myself. I was wearing the jester’s outfit

disgusting bony pink. Then the throat

in honor of the occasion. The whole room

began to compress. I was crushed on all

was smoky, which must’ve agitated the

sides. All my breath was pushed out of me.

I gasped unsuccessfully for air. The

clutching the string with all my might. My

throat began to jerk violently. I assumed

plummet was suddenly interrupted by a

the ghost was gagging.

jerk: the string connected to the switch.

This could be it, I thought, just as

I heard a tiny click and then…

I began to black out. And then, to my

BOOOOOOOOM!

immense relief the pressure began to ease

I fell into a pile of trash as above

up. I gasped greedily for air. But the battle wasn’t yet won. I had

me the throat became a hazard zone. Silently, I thanked Laurie Muller, psycho

little time to lose. I jabbed my lamp

that he was. But would the explosion be

harpoon into the ghost’s throat, then held

enough?

tight to the string connected to the lamp.

I waited.

Any second now… I thought.

And then the whole room tipped

Three seconds.

sideways. Junk flew all around me as I

Five.

screamed for mommy. The hubbub was soon

Ten.

over. Only an uncanny silence remained. Then suddenly the floor beneath me

opened. I closed my eyes as I fell,

I uncertainly climbed out from the bric-a-brac I was buried in. There, right

in front of me, was the esophagus. It was

I emerged. Behind me was the ghoulish face

wide open. The ghost had fallen over. I

of the ghost. Whether he was dead or

didn’t want to waste any time. I climbed

knocked out, I didn’t want to know. I

right in and sprinted like I was being

regarded my surroundings. It was

chased by man eating elves. I can’t

nighttime. I was in a rainy, rundown

describe how exhilarated I was. After all

graveyard. I guess this was where the

the monotony of my enclosement could I

ghost liked to hang out. For the first

really be home free? The thought made me

time in way too long I laughed. Something

quicken my pace.

fluttered across the wet grass. I picked it up. It was a newspaper. ***

The Daily Moo, It read. I looked at the front page. It made me boil with

I reached the end of the throat,

shock and rage.

entering a large chamber.

Lord Cowpotine, formerly known as ‘General

The mouth, I thought, pushing aside the

Beef’ establishes Cowpire. Royals

ginormous, squishy tongue. It took me a

assassinated. Rebellion taken over.

while to pry the jaws open. But eventually

Peaceful standards revoked.

Slowly, I took something from beneath my hat. The grinning theater mask. Slowly, I fastened it on. I could no longer be known by the infamous name of Agent Moo. I liked the sound of Jester… Thunder boomed. Lightning flashed. I began to briskly stride through the bracken. Beef had to be overthrown. And I had a lot of work to do.

TO BE CONTINUED?