a biography of bianca bactol

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Lotus

There was a woman born from a lotus. Her heart was golden, deep as the ocean.

lotus

Chapter 1: Understanding who I am “There was a woman born from a lotus. Her heart was golden, deep as the ocean.” – Lotus by Jhené Aiko My name is Bianca. I was born on the 14th of November 2004, which makes me a scorpio. As a scorpio, it does make sense why my love languages are quality time, physical touch, and acts of service. Raised and born in Philippines, I grew up encountering a great deal of challenges and experiences. We all know that having a morena skin in my country isn’t easy, “itim, sunog, ‘di makita sa dilim.” Those were the words that made an impact on my self-esteem. Insecurities were the first thing I knew as a child, suppressing emotions and thinking that feeling them was a weak thing to do were next. I think these were the reasons why I found solace in fashion. While trauma wasn’t the only thing I knew in my childhood, I also knew about exploring my talents and hobbies, Disney princesses and Bring It On movies, bratz and barbie dolls, Paris Hilton and her style, Aaliyah, TLC, Tupac, Lil’ Kim, Mary J. Blige, Ashanti, Rihanna… should I list all the 2000s singers? Obviously, I favored the year 2000s pop culture! As I looked back on that seven-year-old kikay Bianca, one thing I realized about her is that she knew confidence would be her power. 1

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Now that I’m 18 years old, I still love the y2k fashion and culture. As I embody its style, I found confidence and power within it because I understood that being confident also meant healing my inner child. Reading books, doing art, and reaching the highest version of myself are just addition to my likes. Right now, I love taking care of myself above else and it ranks first on my list of interests. When it comes to my dislikes, I hate feeling unvalued, I hate being degraded as a woman, I hate people who cross boundaries I’ve set, and I hate falling into that rabbit hole. What is that rabbit hole? Well, when I’m experiencing my depressive episodes, there are things that I do to further dig into that hole of sadness because sometimes, there is a comfort in depression. Anyway, the reason why I’m here, acknowledging my strengths and weaknesses is because I want to show people who I am. Well, this is me. This is Bianca. A woman with a heart of gold, deep as the ocean.

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Chapter 2: The Aspects of My Development Physiological Development “I look just like her!” I remembered watching Naomi Campbell’s runway walk at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. She had a dark complexion, a slim face, a slim body, and an alluring aura of confidence. There was something about seeing her own the stage as she walks down the runway, and it’s not just her powerful catwalk, it also hit me that the reason why I admired her so much is because we shared the same physical features that I was so insecure of, and she was a high-end model! As I was hitting the puberty stage, my skin complexion and my slim figure became a problem for me. My morena skin was getting more noticeable as my melanin was starting to produce more and I was skinny because of my genetics. I remembered thinking, wasn’t I suppose to gain more weight around the age of 12 as soon as I had my period? Wasn’t I supposed to have a lighter skin after all the whitening soaps I’ve used? Seeing all the mestiza girls who had a perfectly shaped body in television, billboard, or any form of media being displayed as the standard of a woman’s beauty was bothering to see, especially when it included depicting women with 3

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dark skin tones as "filthy" and the opposite of being beautiful. Nevertheless, as I was getting more attached to the fashion industry, I learned how to love my own beauty. Especially now, where the beauty standards are being revoked by being more diverse.

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lotus Cognitive Development Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to be a supermodel? All those nice fancy clothes you’d wear, sitting pretty while other people put make up on you, cameras flashing everywhere you go, feeling glamorous, the plane rides just to walk for a brand, that feeling where you know you’re pretty? Because I did. Everyday. I know all the ups and downs of being in the industry and I know it’s not easy, especially when you’re struggling with your confidence. I've seen enough documentaries to be aware of it, along with experiencing obstacles that hindered me from pursuing my desire, which is to be a model. While my mom always supported me in my modeling endeavors, I was always hesitant because I assumed that if you’re to be a model, you should have the perfect proportion of body, a symmetrical face, and of course, a fair skin. Being an ambitious 14-year-old girl at that time was terrible, especially when others constantly bring up the aspects of you that you're insecure about. But you know what? I told myself that victim-mentality won’t help me, that survival mode won’t serve me anymore. I had to let it go, and I did. I made it clear to myself that I would no longer let other people's perceptions of me influence what I think of myself. The sun was holding its rays, just to see me shine. So, I will. I will shine. 5

lotus Psychosocial Development I did shine. I did grow, and I did open myself up to new possibilities and new mindset. That included being open to friendships and relationships. Being a child who only knew how to suppress her feelings wasn’t really ideal, right? I did struggle with confidence, as I’ve said, along with many other issues as I came from a broken family. I was in high school when I reached the age of 16. I had a lot of friends, but a total of five people were the only one I could truly trust. Through them, I learned how to interact more and come outside this bubble of mine where hyper independence dominated my mentality, I knew it was a trauma response after all the things that I had to go through. When I started learning how to socialize and go out more with my friends, I met this one guy who I never expected to be such a big part of my life. While I was struggling to love myself, I had a little help from this extraordinary guy. His name is Ramarc. “He’s exactly my type.” I thought to myself as we both got to know each other more. He was warm, like the sun kissing your skin on the first day of summer. He’s got a smile that was enough to know you’re alive. He’s attractive, his eyes were enough to make you fall in your knees. He knows how to make a girl laugh, and he’s a mystery. A mystery that was waiting to unfold, waiting for me. 6

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It’s been two years since I met him. Ramarc knew me more than I knew myself. He taught me how to get in touch with my feelings and he taught me to remove my guards, feeling love so thoroughly. He taught me how to know the world, and for the world to know me.

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lotus Moral Development As I had an understanding of how the world works, I realized that not everything is polarized. Not everything is black and white. You see, when I was a child, I always portrayed those who would jeopardize my confidence as a “bad” person. The woman I am today knows that there are infinite shades of meaning the world has, and that’s why I realize that they’re not just plainly bad. They may also be struggling with confidence, projecting it to other people as they’re having a hard time to acknowledge it. Maybe other people are giving them a hard time too. Who knows? I remembered this one time when I was in seventh grade, I used to make fun of this one girl who dressed uniquely. I’d call her weird or an outcast. I’d share all those thoughts with my friends so that they can think of me as someone who’s fierce, someone who really fit in. Then I realized, not only was I projecting my own insecurities, I was trying to fit into that friend group, I was trying to win their approval. I disguised my insecurities by critiquing other people because I was so insecure that my confidence prevented me from dressing the way I want to. It was back then, and I am aware of all my shortcomings and past. Today, I stopped projecting those insecurities, instead, I acknowledge them. 8

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By continuously evolving, learning how to love myself, and healing, I get stronger. Overcoming obstacles and challenges, like a blossoming lotus.

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a biography of bianca bactol

ロータス

Lotus Daughter. Friend. Girlfriend. Artist. Dreamer. Woman. Bianca shares the same struggles with every young adult who grows in a complicated society. With courage, she bravely shares her story. Ride a rollercoaster trip with Bianca as she takes you back on her unfiltered memories and lifelong lessons regarding nsecurities, dreams, identity crisis, individuality, and many more.

Rise, shine, and bloom like a lotus.