Good Grief By

Jacqueline Harris

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Good Grief By Jacqueline Harris © 2023 by Jacqueline Harris Nikengie Brands All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher, except for brief quotations in printed reviews. No patent liability is assumed concerning the use of the information contained herein. Unless otherwise identified, all Scripture quotations are taken from the King James Version of the Bible. Copyright ©1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. Although every precaution has been taken in the preparation of the book, the publisher and author assume no responsibility for errors or omissions. Neither is any liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein.

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Introduction The dictionary defines grief as: "keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp pain or sorrow; painful regret." It has no end date. Grief can manifest in expected and unexpected ways. You can be doing something as mundane and uneventful as picking up groceries and be struck with an overwhelming wave of grief. You could be driving your car and feel a sudden rush of uncontrollable emotions. It could happen at church, in a room full of people, or while you're alone in your bedroom. We can't control when outbursts of grief happen. Grief from the death of a loved one can trap you in a cycle of sorrow and mental turmoil. Not only can losing a loved one take a toll on you mentally and emotionally, the responsibility that comes along with it can feel almost impossible to navigate. The most difficult responsibility is the funeral. There are so many things and people to consider when planning a homegoing service: children, family members, work, business, the type of service, burial interment, and even the fellowship after the final laying to rest. Add to that organizing the food and gifts from those who come to honor your loved one, all while mustering the strength to show genuine gratitude when the world is crashing around you. It is difficult to paint on a smile and push through all of the chaos. As tough as a sudden loss can be, imagine going through ten in one calendar year! I share my experiences with loss and grief in this book and call it, "Good Grief," not because grief is good, but because, through everything, God is always good. God can bring you through any situation or circumstance. No matter how dark things may seem, if you trust God, you can make it through to see joy once again.

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Hakeem July 21st, 2015 is a date that is forever sealed in my mind. The sudden death of my husband Hakeem rocked my entire world filling me with instant grief, pain, and despair. His death was the catalyst that prepared me for the losses that were soon to come. When I received the call that my husband of 20 years was found laying lifeless on the side of the road, I was in shock. Immediately, I knew that I had to gather my children to let them know what happened to their father. I didn't want them to be told by anyone else. They were spending the night with friends, and I didn't want them to leave a sleepover and have a strange person breaking that news to either of them. I knew that things would get crazy because my husband was a prominent dentist in a small town. In retrospect, crazy was a definite understatement! My husband was very trusting of others and he was a chronic people-pleaser. He could never give enough of himself. When the word of his passing spread, greedy people (who had habitually taken advantage of his giving nature) came out from all over town. Everyone had a scheme or scam to acquire my husband's belongings. There were even people who felt they were entitled to his body! We were going through a rough time in our marriage (like married couples always do), but this time, he may have gotten involved in situations that allowed the devil to step in and take his life. It was like a nightmare! During the lies and betrayals, my children were my first priority. The devil may come to steal, kill, and destroy, but I wasn't going to let him do that to our children or me! 4

Throughout this cycle of grief, my children and I experienced unexpected betrayal from family. People who I considered family and friends and even coworkers had ulterior motives. The good news is that every weapon that the enemy tried to throw at me was unable to prosper. God carried us through this and gave me wisdom to know what financial moves to make to protect and provide for my household. He gave me a plan to relocate to help ease our mental distress. Even though we do not understand why Hakeem had to die prematurely (seemingly to us), God proved to be a protector, provider, and a comforter. This situation helped to strengthen my trust in Him.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”

-Proverbs 3:5-6 KJV

Prayer: Father, I ask that You touch anyone going through the grief of losing a husband or father. Protect their minds and hearts. Please dispatch angels on their behalf during this process. In Jesus name I pray, amen. Today’s Scripture Reading: Isaiah 40:29-31

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Reflections

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Grandma Jo I met Grandma Jo at the first church I joined in Greenville, NC, in 2001. I love seniors and enjoy listening to them and gaining knowledge and wisdom from their beautiful souls. The Bible teaches us to honor the elderly and my mother, Annie C. Jones, taught me to take them meals as a little child. It was nothing for my mom to send me to a neighbor’s house, whether they were relatives or not, to take them some food that she had prepared. There is such beauty in that task! They were always happy and thankful. Grandma Jo, on a grandparents Sunday like this day that I am writing in my backyard, became an adopted spiritual grandma to my two special children. I wanted to raise them to pattern after the wonderful woman of God who raised me. Well, this journey lasted for some years. We went to nursing homes with the church choir. My kids would sing Christmas carols and pass out candy to the residents of the facility and it brought smiles to the residents’ faces. We would visit with Grandma Jo and plant flowers outside her doorway. My children’s father helped as well and boy, that would make Grandma Jo so happy because he was also her dentist. She loved seeing him in his bowties. Grandma Jo never had any biological children but had two stepdaughters and some well-loved grandsons and granddaughters that she drove to visit all the time. She was so proud of them in Georgia. I listened to all her stories about them. She would offer me some good ole home cooking – that country-cooking, like fried cornbread in a cast iron pan the way my mom used to make it. But the one thing she told me was that she wished she had more family relations and that I needed to tie the knot and stay connected on the rope with Jesus Christ. He was at the end of that large rope that I should hold onto, and I will never forget that. Death is a part of life. I always taught my kids that because my mom and dad taught me that by 8

taking my siblings and me to funerals. We went to lots of them due to having a large family. She is dressed in white now, singing in the Heavenly Choir with her beloved husband. She loved and missed him so much.

Prayer: Lord, thank You for grandmothers. I pray for all who have lost grandparents today, that You fill them with Your love, comfort, and joy. In Jesus’ name, amen. Today’s Scripture Reading: Matthew 11.28-29

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My Friend Jackie Jackie was full of life! She was beautiful and jolly- a blessing to everyone she encountered on any day. My kids called her Mama Jackie, and my family loved her spirit. She was the type of friend who was always there! Jackie was the first person I met when I attended a little country church in Oak City, NC. After welcoming me and my family, I took to her kind heart and spirit. Her positive and inspirational attitude drew me to her. We became friends for life. She found out she had breast cancer and heart issues during a late pregnancy. Whenever she was sick, I would go to whatever hospital she was in and sit with her for hours. It didn't matter if she was in Duke Hospital, Tarboro Hospital, or Vidant Hospital in Greenville I would find her and visit her. I had to put my eyes on Jackie!

After many ups and downs with her treatments, I took her by the hand and sat beside her as she laid in her hospice bed. Seemingly out of nowhere a song began playing on my phone: "l Pray All Be Ready," by Chicago Mass Choir. As tough as it was to see my friend in this condition, made my way to her bedside and said a quick goodbye before returning home. A few days later, during a blizzard, I told my husband that I was going to make the drive to see Jackie in Hospice Care. I prayed that God would allow me to see her and be safe as I made that trip. I had an incredible sense of urgency to make it to my friend. I exceeded the speed limit as I was racing down to see her. I talked to God as I was driving, saying: "Lord, I will accept whatever Your will is!" I was 12

about 30 minutes away from the facility when my dear Jackie took her last breath. Her aunt saw me just as I had walked in the building and told me she was gone. Jackie was a planner so she had her wishes written out. She had me type them and send them to her daughter. I will never forget the precious memories that we shared, especially the loud, soprano voice that she had. I couldn’t attend her homegoing but on that day, God gave me a vision of her in my beach rental as I had taken the college students and friends to Myrtle Beach, SC, to have some time in the sun after welcoming me and my family. I took to her kind heart and spirit, and we became friends for life. Losing Jackie was a hard pill to swallow. She had told me that we would be celebrating her 50th birthday and I had been holding on to those words. It was such a hard moment. It just goes to show that we make our plans, but God always determines the course. Jackie loved her family, her church, and her grandkids.

Prayer: Father, in Your Word, Proverbs 17:17, it says: "A friend loves at all times!" Thank You for the friendships you place in my life. Amen Today’s Scripture Reading: Jeremiah 31:25

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Grandpa My children referred to their grandfather as “grandpa." He was in the hospital when we got the call that he was not doing well. I prepared my children, who were young adults by this time, to take the trip to New Bern, NC to see him. We truly did not know what to expect nor what we would find when we got there. The notification we received of his poor health was written in a Dear John letter style. We arrived to find him in a hospital room, cold and unresponsive, unable to speak or move. The only thing he could do was move his eyes as he lay there looking lifeless. My children and I left the room so the nurse could put an IV in his arm. We went to the cafeteria and upon our return, we learned that he was transported to the hospital from a nearby nursing facility for being dangerously dehydrated. Grandpa was unable to speak to confirm or deny anything.

A few weeks later, we received a text message saying he passed away. I frantically searched the internet to see where he was located so we could at least have a final viewing and say goodbye. I was hurt to find out that he was long cremated, and my family and I were not acknowledged at all. The funeral attendant who informed us only shared this information because they had to contact me to return the funds for a memorial tree that I purchased in grandpa's honor. He was by no means perfect, but he spoiled my kids and was the only living grandfather they knew. It was incredibly hurtful to discover of his passing this way. Grandpa's family told so many mistruths - they were jealous of the way he cared for my children. He 16

was a man who was wounded in the Vietnam war but still managed to provide well for his family. He deserved better. I watched him endure so much horrible treatment over a span of 20-plus years. My kids will always remember their grandfather. He was good to them - better than good! He was a Purple Heart recipient, an artist, a painter, well-educated, and as tough as nails. The kids and I prayed with their grandfather and he would sit and listen to us. We said the Sinner's Prayer before we left his hospital room. There was no way we could leave him in the state that we found him without anointing him with oil and praying. I recall a poem by Frederick Buechner called: Remember: "When you remember me, it means that you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am on who you are..." (Buechner, 2017) Prayer: Father I thank you for sending a man of stature in our lives to be a living grandfather to my kids. My earthly Father had gone on to be with you in Heaven, so, I am grateful that my kids didn't have to grow up without a grandpa like I did. I pray that whoever reads this recognizes the hope and blessing it is in a loving grandparent/father! Let us take joy in knowing that You are the one true Father in heaven but You give us earthly parents and grandparents to treasure. In Jesus name, amen. Today’s Scripture: Lamentations 3:32

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Uncle William and Uncle Buddy Uncle William and Uncle Buddy were my mother's last two living brothers. Uncle Willie (as we called him), had been diagnosed with cancer in his later years. He lived in New York City all of his life, but he wanted to be buried in North Carolina with his other three brothers. It was Mother's Day when we had his memorial service in North Carolina during the thick of the COVID-19 pandemic. His service was beautiful, and we laid him to rest with the other brothers, not knowing that I was losing classmates and cousins at the same time. My mother's favorite cousin passed away. That was tough! I was unable to attend the funeral because of the COVID-19 restrictions that had been put in place.

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Prayer: I thank God for uncles who show love to their nieces and nephews! The kind who are loving and pure. Because You, oh God, are perfect! Bless those who need male figures and send them Godly men to speak into their lives. In Jesus name, amen Today’s Scripture: 1 Thessalonians 4:14-18

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My Mother (Ms. Annie) On June 27, 2020, I received a call from the nursing facility that my mother, "Ms. Annie," was transitioning. I felt an instantly froze, but got into the truck with Lorenzo, my husband, and we headed to the facility. Mom was deep-breathing, and it was extremely hard to know what to say or how to say anything. I told her that I loved her and that I knew that she was tired, so I was releasing her to go if that is what she needed. I rubbed anointing oil on her head and prayed. I read scriptures and took photos while recording her last breaths. It was mind-boggling. I was one of seven children but I stood alone in that hospital room, watching my mother take her final breaths. The facility would not let anyone else inside and I had to cover up entirely to protect myself from COVID-19, but anything was worth the risk to spend those moments with my mom. My husband watched at the window. I know my mother didn't realize that he was there due to the activity of her body. I felt some warmth inside her hands but not much. I had to leave in compliance with safety protocols, so I went to my car and changed clothes. We headed home to shower and regroup, preparing for my mom to take her last breath. I found myself sitting at a table with my siblings, asking questions and preparing to meet with the funeral home director in the days to come. No matter how much planning and processing we did, the grief was inescapable. Nothing prepares you for the final stages of a loved one's life. When my family received the news of 24

my mother's colon cancer, the doctors told us that she did not have much longer to live. God knows the true number of our days. Medical professionals can only estimate our timing. Even to this day, everywhere I look and everywhere I go, I always find something that reminds me of my mom. She was the lady that God handpicked to create me in her womb. I know there are seven siblings in our family, but when God chose Annie to bring me to earth, God knitted me right-down to the last stitch. I say this while smiling because Jeremiah 29:11 tells of how God has a purpose and a plan for our lives. As I roll past a year of my mother's passing and a second birthday without her physical presence on earth, I feel saddened. It is like a dark cloud over me, but I choose to celebrate mom. The love I shared for 47 years with my mother was priceless. I would give anything to have her back here, but now she is in no pain at all. She is rejoicing, resting with The Lord, and wouldn't want to be back here on earth. I shared with my family a dream that my mother shared with me. There was a train derailing that wrecked but we would be okay. That was tough to hear but she was preparing us to faint not and stand firm right before COVID-19 locked us out of her nursing facility. Prayer: A mother's love is forever. Thank you, Lord, for good mothers. Please strengthen anyone reading this who has lost a mother. Show them Your love and comfort each day as they walk through this healing process. In Jesus name I pray, amen. Today’s Scripture: Proverbs 31 25

Reflections

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My Mom's Hallway Mates/Friends During my mother's stay at the nursing home, many of the other residents began to feel more like family to us. I felt sorry for the other families who lost their mothers to COVID-19. I would run into their daughters or sons in local stores, and they would share their heartbreak over not being able to see their mother due to safety shutdowns. It hurt my heart to learn that those sweet women had passed. I have sympathy and empathy, which is a rare gift to find today. I would grieve and pray for them like I was right there alongside them. I even went to a graveside service with my mom's roommate. It was a very hurtful but beautiful service of love. God can prepare you for anything and carry you through everything!

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." -Isaiah 40:31 KJV

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Prayer: Lord, I ask you to touch all people living in nursing homes, assisted living facilities, rehab centers, and hospitals with extra love and family connections. They need it daily. Send angels there throughout the hallways to smile and love on them. Let them know it is not over for them. In Jesus name I pray, amen. Today’s Scripture: Philippians 1:21

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My Aunties: Mary and Emily During the COVID-19 pandemic, both of my aunties were already sick. One of them was a resident in a nursing facility due to chronic health conditions. Because of this, I was unable to visit her in person, but I spoke with her over the phone. My cousin sent me pictures and I prayed. My poor aunties did not understand why they could only have visitors by a window or phone calls. There was no human contact permitted due to the pandemic safety protocols. This separation caused a grievous strain on the entire family. Before I knew it, my dear aunties slipped away. It wasn't easy but as a family, we were tasked to protect, serve, and survive situations. It was hard then and it is still hard.

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Prayer: Lord God, please be with all who have experienced a lack of communication or who have been unable to attend to their loved ones due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Heal all the hurting hearts of those who have lost family members and friends to this horrible disease. You said You would never leave us nor forsake us. Please continue to be with those suffering from COVID-19 and those who have loved ones going through this. In Jesus name, Amen. Today’s Scripture: Psalm 55:22

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What Will You Do? Grief is the hurt and anguish over the loss of someone or something you loved. I pray that you don't let grudges keep you from love! We are not promised tomorrow. During the year 2020, I lost over ten family members! Some days it left me numb. I was depressed and unable to think clearly. I no longer wanted to participate in normal activities. There was a constant void in my heart that I knew only God could fill. We are on a journey in this world - passing through on our way to glory. What will we do with our time? Love hard, be present, give a helping hand. We do not know the day nor the hour when our time here is up. Use it wisely. Note to the Reader: I added journal pages after each story so that you may insert your own journal or prayer thoughts. I pray this helps you. For years I have journaled my thoughts and turned them into prayers to God. Try it for yourself and see how God walks with you throughout grief and loss. Death is a part of the process of life. No one is ready to lose a loved one but humans are not meant to stay here on earth forever. “Earth has no Sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.” Isaiah 35:10 God is with us in our sorrow. The famous poem, Footprints in the Sand, reminds us that God is always near to us! He is as close as our footprints and shadows. I have some scripture passages that I 36

recite to myself because they help me to lean on God and trust Him. ------------------After reading and meditating on scriptures such as these, I feel refreshed and renewed by God's Holy Spirit. I pray that they will do the same for you and that they help you overcome grief and loss.

Proverbs 37:5-6 Psalm 91:15 Proverbs 19:21 Hebrews 13:20-21 Joshua 1:9 Philippians 4:6-7

Psalm 121:5-8 Psalm 23:2-3 Proverbs 16:3 Psalm 139:7-10 Numbers 6:24-26 Romans 15:13

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