GROUP MEETING #10: (Re)Building a Child’s Self-Esteem; Feedback and Attention GETTING READY FOR CLASS Myself

Cofacilitator

Cofacilitator

Make sure handouts are ready for distribution Set up the room Set up dinner or refreshments Lead discussion of last week’s homework Lead warm-up exercise Introduce self-esteem video, lead discussion Introduce feedback and attention video, lead discussion Lead feedback and attention activity Leading the whole group discussion Lead evening wrap-up Materials !

! !

Videos: Caring for Children Series, #9: Enhancing Self-Esteem and Respecting Diversity and Reframing Discipline Series: Connecting with Every Child: Unit 2 Teaching Video Easel, Paper & Pens Handouts and Evaluation Forms

Environment !

Arrange the room into a large group around a table or in smaller groups around tables.

Group Meeting #10: (Re-)Building a Child's Self-Esteem; Feedback and Attention

10.1

THE GROUP IN A NUTSHELL Topic Welcome/Homework Review

Time (in minutes) 15

Warm-up Exercise

10

Self-Esteem Video & Discussion

30

Break

10

Feedback and Attention Video & Discussion

30

Feedback and Attention Activity

15

Wrap-up/Homework Discussion/Evaluation TOTAL

10 120 (2 HRS)

OBJECTIVES # To help parents and teachers understand the basic concepts of (re)building selfesteem in children and know specific strategies for doing it. # To help parents and teachers use specific feedback and attention, rather than global praise.

THINGS TO REMEMBER $ Set realistic expectations for group members about mastering or refining the skills of building self-esteem and giving feedback and attention rather than praise. This is hard for many people to do; it may take much time and practice to change habitual patterns of interactions with children. $ Cultural issues may play a role in this group segment due to different expectations of how children should be raised. Participants will have varying religious beliefs and personal experiences of how they were raised themselves. Remind them that building self-esteem correctly does not spoil children or create a false or inflated sense self. $ It is also very important to be aware that some children have tactile defensiveness, which we’ve discussed throughout the training sessions. Parents and teachers need to be very aware that hugging such children unexpectedly may cause them to react. With these children, make sure that they see you approaching them. Often it is a good idea to ask if it is okay to touch them. Sometimes they will say, yes, but if their sensory system appears to be on overload, it is not the time to use physical warmth with them. Suggest using other body cues such as “thumbs up,” winking, an “A-okay” sign, etc. to convey encouragement. Also remember that the head is an especially sensitive area of the body, and touch there might not be welcomed by some children. $ Many children who reject positive comments have low self-esteem and are uncomfortable with the recognition. They may have received appropriate, specific praise rarely, and do not believe what their parent/teacher says, as they lack trust. Some children reject positive

Group 10: (Re-)Building a Child's Self-Esteem; Feedback and Attention

10.2

feedback because their self-identities are completely tied to being “bad”. Changing one’s self-identity can be very threatening and scary. The persistence required to help children change is very challenging to parents and teachers. It takes a great deal of energy, perseverance, consistency, and time to change an established self-image. $ Children need to hear many more positive comments than negative ones. It is not necessary to only say positive things; however, adults should strive for at least 3 positive comments for every negative or critical comment. Children with many (and more intense) challenging behaviors need even more positive comments than other children. This is challenging to us, because they do less to elicit them. $ Children often act defiant or aggressive because they feel powerless. They then act on that feeling by trying to take control whenever possible. It feels to the adult that the child has too much power – power to disrupt others, to bring attention to herself, etc. However just the opposite is true. Only by giving discouraged children many opportunities to have power appropriately can these feelings and actions be turned around.

WELCOME (5 minutes) • •

Greet each parent and teacher as they walk in. Tell them how excited you are to see them back.

HOMEWORK REVIEW AND DISCUSSION (10 minutes) Allow the group to discuss the previous week’s homework assignment, any questions they have, things that went well, and what did not go well. Practice or discuss any skills that the group is finding especially challenging.

WARM-UP EXERCISE (10 minutes) As an introduction to tonight's topics, invite participants to share about "How you felt the last time you got positive feedback from someone." As facilitators, give personal examples yourselves to model and contribute to the discussion; for example, "When my husband told me

I was a great cook, I felt pleased, but a little disappointed, because I didn't learn anything about why my cooking is good, or what he really liked about it." Using the easel pad and

markers, write down (paraphrase if needed) group members' examples and their feelings about the feedback they received. Use these examples to illustrate the differences between general (or "global") praise and specific, non-judgmental statements (or "feedback"). Make the key point that specific statements which include information about the speaker's point of view are more helpful than general praise, because: • • • •

Such statements create more equality between the two people. They are more empowering to the person receiving the feedback. Using specific statements avoids demonstrating power over the other person (by being the judge of either "goodness" or "badness"). They promote a partnership between giver and receiver, rather than a feeling of "oneupmanship."

Group 10: (Re-)Building a Child's Self-Esteem; Feedback and Attention

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GROUP TOPIC I: (RE)BUILDING A CHILD’S SELF-ESTEEM (30 minutes)

Enhancing SelfEsteem and Respecting Diversity

To lay the groundwork for a discussion about building self-esteem, show the first 10 minutes of the video “Enhancing Self-Esteem and respecting Diversity.” Stop it at the point where the family day care provider says: “…how to brush your teeth without any faucet or water …when we go camping”. At that point a male voice will come in and say: “Helping children feel good about themselves also means helping them develop character, values, and self-control.” Refer to Handout 10.1, "Key Strategies for (Re-)Building Self-Esteem." Refer back to the video for examples of ways to build self-esteem that are on the handout. Examples include: • • • •

The opening segment gives a good example of giving children attention, making them feel seen and important, without praise or judgment. In addition to commenting on what children are doing or have done, provide information or feedback (as discussed by the toddler teacher). Be responsive to individual strengths, needs, interests, and unique qualities (like the child in the video who is interested in letters but is just learning English and hardly speaks). The toddler who is packing her things (with adult help) is a good example of helping children feel competent and capable.

Using Handout 10.2, “Self-Esteem Planning Sheet,” go through one example with the whole group. Individually or in partnerships (such as 2 parents of the same child, or a teacher and parent who share a child in common) have participants complete the exercise. Sample instructions: First: Parents, think of your own child; teachers, think of a child who has challenging

behaviors.

Second: What are some of this child’s strengths, unique abilities or qualities? Finally: What are some specific ways to give this child more opportunities to express or act on

those strengths, abilities or interests? You can refer back to the example that's given on the handout. Bring the group back together to share strategies, recording ideas on the easel, if desired.

BREAK (10 MINUTES)

Group 10: (Re-)Building a Child's Self-Esteem; Feedback and Attention

10.4

GROUP TOPIC II: FEEDBACK AND ATTENTION: ALTERNATIVES TO GLOBAL PRAISE INTRODUCTION TO FEEDBACK AND ATTENTION (30 minutes)

Reframing Discipline Series: Connecting with Every Child: Unit 2 Teaching Video

In tonight's warm-up exercise, the contrast between giving general praise ("Great meal, honey!") and specific feedback ("I really liked the special salsa you put on the fish tonight!"). Tonight's second video demonstrates how to build relationships by giving children positive attention and feedback that acknowledges what they do, create, and feel. When children with challenging behaviors get the message that they are noticed, valued and accepted, they are much more likely to listen and work with parents or teachers when troubles arise. Show the portion of the video from about the 7 minute mark to about the 22 minute mark (a little over 15 minutes of playing time). The segment begins where the narrator states, “Trying to reframe our relationships to certain children may not feel possible. But if we can make a different kind of connection with a child, we can begin to see some different behaviors, too.”; the segment ends with a summary still shot of two male teachers helping children with the words “Acknowledging…what children do…what children feel” superimposed. After viewing the video, break up the large group into no more than three small groups (one for each facilitator) to discuss the following questions: • •

What do you remember about what the video calls "acknowledgement" (what we're calling "feedback and attention")? What is it? Why is getting specific feedback and positive attention important to children, especially to children with difficult behaviors?

Regarding the first question, some possible answers/points to bring up could include: • It's using descriptive words, rather than judging ones, to talk about what children are doing. • It's letting children know they are seen for who they are. • It's giving individual children a moment of undivided attention, and making it feel special. Regarding the second question, some possible answers/points to bring up could include: • It helps them to feel understood. • It helps them feel more connected with the person giving the feedback; it builds positive relationships. • It lets them know we're interested in what they do. • It sends children the message that they are valued, and why they are valued. After about 10 minutes of discussion, bring the whole group back together for quick reporting back from each group. Record key points on the overhead or easel, if desired.

Group 10: (Re-)Building a Child's Self-Esteem; Feedback and Attention

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FEEDBACK AND ATTENTION ACTIVITY (15 minutes) The best way to feel comfortable with new behaviors is to practice them until they feel normal. During this activity participants will do just that. Start by doing a role play between the facilitators or with a volunteer participant. Use Handout 10.3, “Practice for Feedback and Attention,” and have participants break into dyads and practice any of the scenarios as a role play. Then direct the people in the dyads to switch roles and try another scenario. If time allows, create new dyads and have them do it again. Afterwards, discuss challenges and successes of participants in doing this exercise.

HOMEWORK (5 MINUTES) % Have the group use Homework Handout 10.4, "Record Sheet: Feedback/Attention" for positive feedback this week. Ask them to put it up in a place (such as the fridge) where they will be sure to record their positive comments, their child’s behavior at the time, and the child’s responses. % Invite parents and teachers to choose one strength from the "Building Self-Esteem Planning Sheet" exercise and implement as many of the strategies as they can.

CLOSING AND EVALUATION (5 MINUTES) • •

Thank parents and teachers for coming, and commend them for coming this week. Remind them that social and emotional development and building social skills will be covered the next week. Have the parents and teachers fill out the class evaluation form, and collect them before they leave.

RESOURCE LIST Briggs, Dorothy Corkille (1975). Your child’s self-esteem. New York: Doubleday. Clarke, Jean Illsley (1998). Self-esteem: A family affair. Minneapolis, MN: Hazelden Information Education. Clemes, Harris & Bean, Reynold (1981). Self-esteem: The key to your child’s well-being. [Place of publication unknown]: Kensington Publishing Company. Dinkmeyer, Don & Losoncy, Lewis E. (1980). The encouragement book: Becoming a positive

person. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.

Educational Productions, Inc. (1997). Reframing Discipline Series (videotapes & program

guides). Beaverton, OR: author.

Group 10: (Re-)Building a Child's Self-Esteem; Feedback and Attention

10.6

Handouts & Overheads Group 7: Natural & Logical Consequences and Adapting the Environment

•

Handout/Folleto 10.1: Key Strategies for (Re-)Building

Self-Esteem

•

Handout/Folleto 10.2: Building Self-Esteem Planning Sheet

•

Handout/Folleto 10.3: Practice for Feedback and Attention

•

Homework Handout/Tarea 10.4: Record Sheet: Feedback

and Attention •

Handout/Folleto 10.5: Refrigerator Notes: Key Strategies

and Resources for (Re-)Building Self-Esteem

Group 10: (Re-)Building a Child's Self-Esteem; Feedback and Attention

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Handout/Folleto 10.1

KEY STRATEGIES FOR (RE)BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM Positive attention, to be seen and valued, is what children want, not praise or judgment. •

•

Positive attention can be expressed by loving looks, smiles, physical affection, just spending time in conversation or activities together. It does not have to be direct or verbal. Tell them about things they do that are helpful, useful, show competence or ability, show growth or improvement, and make them unique or interesting,

and notice them just for who they are and the fact that they exist. Children need many opportunities to feel competent and powerful. •

•

•

Provide them with many appropriate choices each day according to age level: “Would you like to wear the blue socks or white socks?” “Would you like to clean your room by yourself or with some help?” “Which book shall we read?” Give them as much help as necessary, but no more, in doing something that is a bit challenging for them. Give them these opportunities to do challenging things as often as possible. Arrange or rearrange the environment so children can be more independent and successful – provide a step stool for them to safely reach things that are high up, place things they need so they are accessible such a cup on a low shelf in the kitchen and healthy snacks on a low shelf in the refrigerator.

In addition to commenting on what children are doing or have done, provide an additional piece of information or feedback: •

“You put the toys back on the shelf, your room looks so nice and neat”….“It will be much easier to find your toys tomorrow.”

Be responsive to individual strengths, needs, interests, and unique qualities. •

Look for them in children and give them opportunities to express them or act on them.

For most adults, it will take time and much practice until this feels natural. We are not used to giving positive attention or positive feedback often, nor are we used to giving specific feedback rather than general praise or criticism. 10.8

Handout/Folleto 10.1

ESTRATEGIAS CLAVES PARA CREAR AUTO-ESTIMA

Lo que los niños quieren es tener atención positiva, que sean vistos y valorados; no que se les alague o juzgue. •

•

La atención positiva puede ser expresada a través de miradas amorosas, sonrisas, afección física, simplemente tomando tiempo para conversar con ellos o haciendo actividades juntos. No tiene que ser directa o verbal. Dígales de las cosas que ellos hacer que son de ayuda, útiles, que demuestran competencia o habilidad, que demuestran que están madurando o mejorando, y hágales sentirse únicos o interesantes, y valórelos por lo que ellos son y el hecho de que ellos existen.

Los niños necesitan muchas oportunidades para sentirse competentes y poderosos. •

•

•

Provéales cada día muchas oportunidades de opciones apropiadas para su edad: “Te gustaría usar las calcetas azules o las blancas?” “Te gustaría limpiar tu dormitorio por tí mismo o con alguna ayuda?” “Qué libro quieres que leamos?” Déles tanta ayuda como sea necesario, pero no mucha, cuando ellos están haciendo algo que es un poco dificultoso para ellos. Déles estas oportunidades para hacer cosas dificultosas tan frecuentemente como sea posible. Arregle o cambie el ambiente para que los niños puedan ser más independientes y exitosos –provea un banquito para que ellos puedan alcanzar cosas que estén en alto con seguridad, ponga cosas que ellos necesitan al alcance de ellos, tales como una taza en el estante de abajo en la cocina y bocadillos saludables en el estante de abajo en el refrigerador.

Añada comentarios a lo que los niños están haciendo o han hecho, proveyendo información adicional: •

“Pusiste los juguetes de regreso en el estante, tu dormitorio se mira tan bien y

nítido”…”Te va a ser más fácil encontrar tus juguetes mañana.”

Interésese en las habilidades individuales de ellos, sus necesidades, intereses y cualidades únicas. •

Búsquelas en los niños y deles oportunidades de expresarlas o usarlas.

A la mayoría de adultos, les llevará tiempo y mucha práctica hasta que estas técnicas se sientan naturales de hacer. No estamos acostumbrados a dar atención positiva o a hacer comentarios positivos, ni estamos acostumbrados a dar comentarios específicos en lugar de alagos generales o criticismo. 10.9

Handout/Folleto 10.2

BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM PLANNING SHEET Child’s Strengths, Interests, Unique Qualities Example: Athletic/Agile

Ways to Give Child More Opportunities to Express Them Verbal Tell him: “You do perfect cartwheels! Your legs are completely straight.”

Non-Verbal Watch him and smile when doing gymnastics on grass.

Home Move furniture and allow ½ hour a day of tumbling.

School Do a gymnastics unit and have him lead and demonstrate.

Community Find gymnastic lessons and facilities to use. See if scholarship help is available.

10.10

Handout/Folleto 10.2

HOJA DE PLANEAMIENTO PARA CREAR LA AUTO-ESTIMA Habilidades , intereses y cualidades únicas del niño Ejemplo;Atlético/ Agil

Formas para Darle al Niño Más Oportunidades para Expresarlas Verbal Dígale: “Tú haces perfectas volteretas! Tus piernas están completamente rectas.”

No-Verbal

Miírelo y sonría cuando hace gimnasia en el césped.

Hogar

Mueva los muebles y permita ¼ de hora al día para que dé volteretas

Escuela

Prepare una unidad de gimnasia y permita que el niño la dirija y haga demostración

Comunidad Encuentre lecciones gimnásticas e instituciones disponibles. Chequee si hay becas disponibles.

10.11

Handout/Folleto 10.3

PRACTICE FOR FEEDBACK AND ATTENTION What the child is doing: Child is sitting quietly and reading.

What the adult might do: Show positive non-verbal attention by:

Child talking very loudly: “I want to go home!” Adult says: “Please use a quiet voice here at the library.” Child in normal voice: “I said I want to go home.”

Give positive feedback by:

Child wants a toy another child has. She starts to move to grab it, but then stops and says, “Can I have it when you’re done?”

Show positive non-verbal attention by:

Child is drawing a picture.

Give attention by asking questions like these:

And say:

And say about the drawing:

Child sees a dead bird.

To redirect child from touching it, you might say:

The child asks many questions about the bird.

Give attention by answering them thoughtfully:

Give feedback by saying:

10.12

Handout/Folleto 10.3

PRACTICA PARA DAR COMENTARIOS Y ATENCION POSITIVA Lo que el niño está haciendo: El niño está sentado calladamente y leyendo

Lo que el adulto puede hacer: Demuestre atención positiva no-verbal en:

El niño está hablando en voz muy alta: “Quiero irme a la casa!” El adulto dice: “Por favor usa una voz calladita aquí en la biblioteca.” El niño habla en voz normal: “Te estaba diciendo que quiero irme a la casa.”

Dele un comentario positivo diciéndole:

El niño quiere un juguete que otro niño tiene. Se comienza a mover para tomarlo, pero luego se detiene y dice, “Puedo tenerlo cuando termines de jugar con él?”

Demuestre atención positiva no-verbal en:

El niño está haciendo un dibujo.

Dé atención positiva haciéndole las siguientes preguntas:

Y diga:

Y diga acerca del dibujo:

El niño ve un pájaro muerto.

Para re-dirigir al niño a que no lo toque, usted puede decir:

El niño hace muchas preguntas acerca del pájaro.

Dé atención contestando cuidadosamente (con consideración):

Dé un comentario positivo diciendo:

10.13

Homework Handout/Tarea 10.4

Homework: Feedback and Attention1 This week write down any positive statements (or positive nonverbal attention) that you make towards your child. Write down the child’s behavior, as well as her/his response.

Child’s Behavior

RECORD SHEET: FEEDBACK/ATTENTION Positive Verbal Statement (or Nonverbal Attention)

Child’s Response

10.14 1

Adapted from Carolyn Webster Stratton, The Parents and Children’s Series, Praise and Rewards, Part 1: The Art of Effective Praising pg. 36.

Homework Handout/Tarea 10.4

Tarea: Comentario o Atención Positiva1 Esta semana apunte los comentarios positivos que le diga a su hijo (o la atención no-verbal que le dé). Escriba la conducta que su niño asumió y su reacción.

REGISTRO: COMENTARIO O ATENCIÓN POSITIVA

Conducta del Niño

1

Comentario positivo (o atención no-verbal)

Reacción del Niño

Adaptado deCarolyn Webster Stratton The Parents and Children’s Series Praise and Rewards, Part 1: The Art of Effective Praising pg. 36.

10.15

Handout/Folleto 10.5

Refrigerator Notes/Notas de Refrigerador KEY STRATEGIES FOR (RE)BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM •

•

Positive attention can be expressed by loving looks, smiles, physical affection, just spending time in conversation or activities together. It does not have to be direct or verbal. Tell them about things they do that are helpful, useful, show competence or ability, show growth or improvement, and make them unique or interesting,

and notice them just for who they are and the fact that they exist.

• •

•

•

Provide them with many appropriate choices each day according to age level. Give them as much help as necessary, but no more, in doing something that is a bit challenging for them. Arrange or rearrange the environment so children can be more independent and successful. In addition to commenting on what children are doing or have done, provide an additional piece of information or feedback. Be responsive to individual strengths, needs, interests, and unique qualities: Look for them in children and give them opportunities to express them or act on them.

RESOURCES FOR (RE)BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM Briggs, Dorothy Corkille (1975). Your child’s selfesteem. New York: Doubleday. Clarke, Jean Illsley (1998). Self-esteem: A family affair. Minneapolis, MN: Hazelden Information Education. Clemes, Harris & Bean, Reynold (1981). Self-esteem: The key to your child’s well-being. [Place of publication unknown]: Kensington Publishing Company. Dinkmeyer, Don & Losoncy, Lewis E. (1980). The

encouragement book: Becoming a positive person.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.

Educational Productions, Inc. (1997). Reframing

Discipline Series (videotapes & program guides).

Beaverton, OR: author.

Rodriquez, Gloria (1999). Raising Nuestros Niños:

Bringing Up Latino Children in a Bicultural World. New York: Fireside Books.

10.16

Refrigerator Notes/Notas de Refrigerador

ESTRATEGIAS CLAVES PARA CREAR AUTO-ESTIMA •

•

La atención positiva puede ser expresada a través de miradas amorosas, sonrisas, afección física, simple-mente tomando tiempo para conversar con ellos o haciendo actividades juntos. No tiene que ser directa o verbal. Dígales de las cosas que ellos hacer que son de ayuda, útiles, que demuestran competencia o habilidad, que demuestran que están madurando o mejorando, y hágales sentirse únicos o interesantes, y valórelos por lo que ellos son y el

hecho de que ellos existen. • •

•

•

Provéales cada día muchas oportunidades de opciones apropiadas para su edad. Déles tanta ayuda como sea necesario, pero no mucha, cuando ellos están haciendo algo que es un poco dificultoso para ellos. Arregle o cambie el ambiente para que los niños puedan ser más independientes y exitosos. Añada comentarios a lo que los niños están haciendo o han hecho, proveyendo información adicional. Interésese en las habilidades individuales de ellos, sus necesidades, intereses y cualidades únicas: Búsquelas en los niños y deles oportunidades de expresarlas o usarlas.

Handout/Folleto 11.4

RECURSOS PARA CREAR AUTO-ESTIMA

Briggs, Dorothy Corkille (1975). Your child’s selfesteem. New York: Doubleday. Clarke, Jean Illsley (1998). Self-esteem: A family affair. Minneapolis, MN: Hazelden Information Education. Clemes, Harris & Bean, Reynold (1981). Self-esteem: The key to your child’s well-being. [Place of publication unknown]: Kensington Publishing Company. Dinkmeyer, Don & Losoncy, Lewis E. (1980). The

encouragement book: Becoming a positive person.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.

Educational Productions, Inc. (1997). Reframing

Discipline Series (videotapes & program guides).

Beaverton, OR: author.

Rodriquez, Gloria (1999). Raising Nuestros Niños:

Bringing Up Latino Children in a Bicultural World. New

York: Fireside Books.

10.17