G.A.I.N.S

The number one magazine for window washers world wide

IS YOUR CHILD ADDICTED TO EATING GLUE? FIND OUT PAGE 7

WE'VE HAD IT WITH THOSE DAMNED MICRO-CHIPS

HOROSCOPES; WHY THEY'RE TOTALLY PLAUSABLE AND NOT AT ALL VERY STUPID PAGE 12

CHILD WITH ANTI VAX PARENTS ALREADY HIT MIDLIFE CRISIS! PAGE 9

PLUS: THE ROCK TELLS ALL

Welcome to G.A.I.N.S The magazine that puts you in the passive observers seat Welcome to the annual edition of the G.A.I.N.S quarterly, the monthly magazine that's willing to compare you to better, stronger men (like the one on the right), buts not willing to show you how to improve, and will just sort of pander for your attention.

A much better man than you'll ever be.

WHO ARE WE?

We originally stared as a tax loophole, designed to funnel money from American arms dealers to Macquarie university, but have since changed our ways (but not our many off-shore addresses).

Meat The Team Almost like superheroes, the gains team arises from their sweatshop stations every year to produce the G.A.I.N.S quarterly. Despite the existence of Wikipedia, we have chosen to make this section anyway.

James Robertson

Robertson, James Robertson. The head of our team carrying everyone on his shoulders to create this annual edition of the G.A.I.N.S quarterly, the monthly magazine and making sure we get it out on time is his job, whenever that is anyway

Sweatshop Overseer

Jack Thompson, resident wanna be bogan. He is also a famous twitch streamer, he uses his big public presence to promote the magazine.

Jack Thompson Head of Marketing

Joshua brook

International Correspondent

Joshua brook is an illigeal British immigrant. As a result of his unfortunate situation, Josh lives his life almost like an action hero (except for the charm); constantly looking over his shoulders, staying one step ahead of the comedically slow Australian boarder patrol.

The Rock Tells All



You may know him from such movies as every single movie ever, and copy pasted action movie 113, but after our interview with the man who's nickname is literally the rock, we are inclined to think that maybe he is not quite the humble, down to earth man that he seems. In fact, we seem to have stumbled across a controversy that will rock the fitness world. Perhaps the 200kg all-muscle stone man.... The Rock in his new film, copy pasted action movie 14

Isn't entirely natural?

G.A.I.N.S Whey Protein!

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JAMES: "So, mister Rock", I ask, my mouth struggling to stay dry with his bulging muscles so close to my hands. As if i could reach out an touch them. "What prompted you to come forward for this interview?" I ask, desperately hoping that it was one of my many, many emails. ROCK: "Money", The Rock replies, his eyes staring directly into my soul. My heart sinks as I pound on with our first question, ever the professional. JAMES: "if you don't mind me asking, how do you maintain your simply incredible physique?" I ask, my mind racing with so, so many questions. ROCK: "Steeeerrrr" the rock begins to say, before his manager began hastily signaling to him from behind the camera. Inside, my mind is a battle ground, desperately trying to suppress these strange feelings inside of me. ROCK: "Staaaaaair Cases". His manager gives him a silent thumbs up. ROCK: "Glad we avoided that one", says the rock under his breath. "Yeah, he he, I love those things. ROCK: "How do you think I get my legs so massive?"



IS YOUR CHILD ADDICTED TO EATING GLUE! 1) Do they like to go to officeworks a lot? (All good glue eaters know that officeworks sells the best tasting glue.) 2) Do they despise Woolworths home brand glue? (This is the worst type of glue not just for eating but for general use.)

3) Have they enrolled in any artistic extra-curricular activities in the past year and a half? (Arts and Crafts classes are the biggest supplier or free/extremely low price glue in the 21st century)

4) Did they drop out of that extracurricular activity after only a couple of months or less (If so this heightens the chances of them being addicted to eating this substance)

If you answer yes to 4 or more your child could very well be addicted to glue! 5) Have they bought any “blu glue” before? (Blu glue is the top quality stuff, this is the most expensive but best tasting glue, that is why it is so rare to see and if you see a child with blu glue they probably have this addiction) 6) Do they say eating glue is their “party trick”? (A Lot of top quality glue eaters say that this is their so-called “party trick” to eat glue in public.)

7) Does your child seem oddly eager to go the shops with you only to splinter off to be found in the arts and crafts section hours later. (I think this one speaks for itself.) 8) Are they terrorfied of superglue? (No one wants their lips glued together and their tongue stuck to the roof of their mouth.)

Surveyed by our very own Joshua Brook

CHILD OF ANTI VAXXER SUFFERS MIDLIFE CIRISIS AT AGE 5

"I will keep giving him essential oils to save his frail life." Said his mother. Although midlife crisis are usually experienced around age 40, the middle of the life of the average Australian citizen, Graham, age five, has begun experiencing the symptoms already. "I've done all I can to protect him", reported mother Karren on Tuesday.

"Expect, of cores, vaccinating him from many very preventable and easily spreadable diseases." "Although," reported Karren, "its probably time he cam to terms with his own mortality". "He hasn't got long left." His sister told us "He already has grey hairs and wrinkles."

Graham says it is like his life has flashed before his eyes. He earns all his money from his job that is being an owner of a Costco in Reno Nevada

Review KEEPING UP WITH THE KIDS! If you want to be hanging with the kids and especially love getting your ears exploded you will love this slowly dying game, FORTNITE! From the raging 5 year old's to the million dollar pros you will probably end up throwing a controller at your TV! Alot of people would say that they would rather have their eyes slowly ripped out then have to play this "amazing" game. We think this game is truly sub optimal for children ages 10000 or less as if you play this game you ARE a child! Even if you are winning millions in the process. We have showed some examples of these said children below!

What you WILL become as a fortnite kid Is this really want you want

YOUR HOROSCPOE FOR THE YEAR 2022

2021 has been another hard year; with millions of people on the verge of bankruptcy because of the pandemic, and millions more out of work. This is great news for us here at bushier incorporated, leaving millions more people vulnerable and stupid, looking to believe some random dude on the internet telling them that the month of the year they were born in (both abstract creations by humans), combined with the movement of the planets somehow controls how other people interact with you. It makes perfect sense! So anyway, here's what the random machine, sorry, I mean our hard working psychic's, have pulled from the sky for this year. Happy Holidays!

-Melinda

Capricorn Ah, the Capricorn. the classic workaholic. in 2022, your career will take you to new heights! Unfortunately, Mars is in orbit around Jupiter, indicating romance and extra martial affairs en mass. Your obsession with work will led you to discover that two of your coworkers are evolved in an affair, and you will catch them in the act. You'll never look at mark from accounting the same again!

Aquarius Aquarius, the one with a positive and trusting mindset. truly the light of any friendship group. Unfortunately, your blind trust will lead you to become evolved in a pyramid scheme, where you will lose all your money, and take all the blame. Maybe you should have been skeptical of those Tupperware containers after all?

Pisces Pisces, the fish sign. You specialize in emotion, and can sense the feelings of others. Sadly, you cannot read the stock market, and will make a very poor financial decision. Heck, one twelfth of the world will make a very poor financial decision. better brace for a crash! your lucky numbers are 9.99, and your spirit animal for this year is the bear.

Everyone else Your year is gonna suck. Really suck. Your gonna be sad all the time, and ever waking moment will be hell on earth.

that is unless...

you SUBSCRIBE to the G.A.I.N.S magazine

Letter to the Editor Dear Gains Editor, I hope you are having a good day, where ever you are. I would like to say that it is quite hard to work out when your magazine comes out. If you could clear this up so I can plan out my 4 hour walk when it comes out, so I can pick up a magazine before it comes out that would be awesome!

Loyal Veiwer, Jane We have already cleared this request up multiple times and we are not looking to change the time of our magazine release. This magazine is the annual edition of the G.A.I.N.S quarterly, the monthly magazine!

Please stop asking such stupid questions, -Gains Editor