Analogous Colour Theory: Self Discovery Edition Book III: Tertiary Colours

Being more aware of our own inner conflicts and how we respond to them represents an important step toward a better understanding of the nature of our relationship to our self.

Analogus Colour Theory: Self Discovery Edition. Interactive Workbook Published by EE Studios 35 .32/80 Petaling Jaya, Selangor, 46100 First edition printed by Mummy Design 5-1 ,6-1 ,7-1, Jalan PJS 28/11, Bandar Sunway, Petaling Jaya, Selangor, 46150 Paper used: Mohawk Superfine White Eggshell 118gsm and 227 gsm supplied by Fine Takeo Paper 51, Jalan 91/10, Taman Shamelin Perkasa, 56100, Wilayah Persekutuan Kuala Lumpur. Writings by Andrew Shorten, Altethina Luna, Beth Kurland, Beth Kurland, Eunice Giikonyo, Joanna Zbroniec-Chimenti, Linda Adams, Mike Bundrant, Miki Kahstan, Myrna Dubois, Sherianna Boyle, Srini Pillay and Paul Redekop. Photography by Moriyama Daido Edited by Wong Yiyi Cover design by Erin Egoh © 2022 by EE STUDIOS Cover design copyright © 2022 by Erin Egoh Published 2022. Printed in Malaysia.

Analogous Colour Theory: Self Discovery Edition Book III: Tertiary Colours

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Inner Dialogue Do you have a loving, supportive, kind, and encouraging inner voice that follows you around throughout the day, like the voice of a compassionate coach?

Inner Nurturer Or

Do you have a self-critical inner voice that says, “Something is wrong, something is missing… perhaps even not good enough?”

Inner Critic

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Inevitably most people say they have a self-critical voice, and rarely does anyone say they have a self-compassionate voice that is part of their day-to-day inner dialogue.

We tend to judge ourselves, criticize ourselves, blame ourselves, and feel deficient, in what is refered to as the “trance of unworthiness.” This may have had some evolutionary value for our ancestors. Having a brain that focused on the negatives helped our ancestors survive harsh conditions. Having a brain that was constantly scanning our environment for threats and that was strongly invested in not having us mess up. However, this harsh inner critic is still quite active in our modern lives, even in circumstances where it may not be needed or helpful. And for many people, this inner critic can drive the belief that:

“If I’m not hard on myself, I won’t meet my goals or accomplish what I want.” Despite what people believe about needing to be hard on themselves to succeed, self-criticism actually gets in the way of people moving toward their goals. When they slip up, there is such shame and blame that it shuts them down from wanting to move forward. In fact, a fascinating study that explored the neural correlates of self-criticism and self-reassurance supports this idea. This study found that when people experience self-criticism, the parts of the brain associated with increased monitoring of errors, punishment, and behavioral inhibition are activated. In contrast, when people experience self-reassurance, the brain regions involved in expressing compassion and empathy toward others became active. One way to interpret this is that people who tend to be self-critical are more tuned in to their errors, feel a strong sense of self-punishment, and have a higher tendency to shut down or inhibit themselves from taking steps forward—perhaps in an effort, as the authors of this study suggest, to “limit the social damage incurred by making the error.” Even though many people think that being too easy on themselves will lead to them straying from their goals, extensive research shows that it is selfcompassion, not self-criticism, that is the best motivator. But translating this into action is very unfamiliar to many people. How do I be kind and compassionate with myself? We are good at doing this for others, but it is often much harder to do this for ourselves.

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‘There are only two solutions; one is the use of emotion, and ultimately of violence, and the other is the use of reason, of impartiality, of reasonable compromise.’

Here’s the rub: The part of the inner conflict that is on the outside of your repressed conscious awareness is usually difficult to accept. This hidden part of you is often attached to painful memories. You've probably been avoiding 'going there'. 3

Conscious awareness of the both sides of an inner conflict is the most challenging part. It often requires help from a therapist or coach who understands how to help you discover the unconscious motives in play. When you’re fully aware of the unconscious side of the conflict, you are in a position to do something about it. As long as one element remains outside of awareness, no resolution is possible.

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Still, the resolution is not likely to happen spontaneously, without any increase in self-awareness, painful or not. When you are sufficiently aware of the full inner conflict, you are able to consciously understand yourself and say things like:

Bathtime Reflections I want to be happy and live long, fulfilling life. And part of me is motivated to remain unhappy because I also believe I deserve to feel bad about myself.

I want to make my needs known and be respected. Part of me also believes that my sole purpose is to make others happy and that caring for my own needs is selfish.

I need to get motivated and do my best at work. I want a successful career and to make more money. I also believe if I am successful, I will never be able to handle the pressure and extra attention.

I really should tell everyone I know about my new business venture and promote myself so that I can create the lifestyle I want. I also believe that when people learn what I am doing, they will ridicule me, tell me I shouldn’t be striking out on my own, or even shun me in some way. 4

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Let’s do our best to help each other out.

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How do I be kind and compassionate to myself?

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Small reminders I. Remember that conflicts are based on illusion. III Have a good balance of giving and receiving. V. Be intentional about being kind to yourself.

II. Surrender and give yourself permission to feel. IV. Give up the good vs. bad mentality. VI. Take in mindful breaths.

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t a h t r e b Remem d e s a b e r a conflicts . n o i s u l l i on (1)

ot what is n ached to tt er, a v e e w m o o e bec to me h ns when w is. You fat is real e t p y a p d h a o w h b f n o is Illusio well th action may think you see is only a fr y. Struggles are real. You t od a b h r w o s e e nc rov science p than your appeara g you of this. re in o d t remin t ease by are far m attempt a putting yourself a e way to do ’s y d o b r you d. On Consider ugh n your min more tha ing. Breathe in thro ur feet y d o b r u o o y y th a g g in re in c b g a la s eng ciou hile p el ugh cons ur nose w ntil you fe u s d n this is thro d out through yo u ro w fe n a a for your nose d, do this the groun firmly on tered. more cen

e v i g d n a r Surrende n o i s s i m r yourself pe to feel. (2)

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eans you g up. It m in iv g y as re a the energ an you oesn’t me ission to embrace n. Holding on d r e d n e Surr erm motio yourself p en it is in ergy. are giving rves you best wh p your en u m la c e s lly ecause y a b rg tu s n e n n e e is. E ill will ev le happ g w g r u e body e tr s h s e o n th and y ur through Very ofte of energy ody’s b it r b u a o y e it lly u is actua xpelling q le e g g is u d tr in s your m ted. The ons ing deple as sensati is becom it back. g in s show up h tt g g e u lin g ro e t a th fe t ale se attemp When the g a slow, deep inh le through er takin an exha e exhale, dy. Consid men) and in your bo flating your abdo n). At the end of th t it n e (i ha m your nose eflating the abdo ensation. This is w s (d e ily s d o o your n e your b d observ pause an receive. to feels like

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e c n a l a b d o Have a go d n a g n i v i g when receiving . (3)

s lse’s need meone e entually o s to n o v nti your atte a responsibilities e this. This u give all bout n extr a o y a e When yo s k ta to e telling ething empt to have som me to receive is lik or you att to g in o g y is ing ti your bod ithout tak minates e giving w ay. u that illu is becaus w o a y f p o e e rt h this k a to is the p nnect wit to your spirit Your spirit d potential. To co ty ili b a r ise you th, an ce, streng portant you exerc s integrated into n e ili s re r you is im come yourself it r spirit be aspect of eiving is how you ec receive. R l body. ica your phys

d o o g e h t Give up on lity. a t n e m d a vs b (4)

the good relief from s a choice g in in a g a ou up for erything set sets y d. See ev This mind drained by the ba or mishaps. g s” while bein erceived “mistake p r u o y n eve

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l a n o i t n e Be int o t d n i k g n about bei yourself. (5)

ree ways t one to th you pick u o te ri w , f your day today. Make sure ginning o llow urself o y At the be to you can fo ugh, d in ill be k , and that ro th w llo that you w re small, realistic fo ou don’t a y t a e e sure to c k th n a s a M g h thin d if by c orrow!). n m (a to h yself it in a w try ag kind to m n through urself and I am going to be o is a y is to th d t in a y be k e, “Toda urself th o lik y e to g a s u e use lang emphasiz ause that by…” bec dness. in k f al act o intention

Take in . s h t a e r b mindful (6)

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ce experien ever you n e h e w , m y o a s d our day to ed or challenged in a place through y in tress s l e fe f you are As you go r o ur heart (i motion o e ree slow y lt th n u o e c k d iffi n ta a ad at), and t your h u th p o , ling (e.g., d e e s u to fe a way, p fortable t you are m a o h c w e re yourself, a m u a where yo the first breath, n cond breath, say to t.” On n se men breaths. O ppointed). On the ifficult mo this is a d t I not suffer,” or “I isa — d is o s th m g a I a elin ess feel at I am fe r myself th “it’s OK th ath, say, “I wish fo ver words of kindn re te b a the third ce,” or wh yself pea wish for m . ou best for y



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There are many effective tools to choose from. If you’re not dealing with the right issue – or only one element of the problem – then no tool will work. This would be like taking your car into the shop and misdiagnosing the mechanical failure. All the fancy tools are useless, or only temporarily helpful, when not applied to the real problem.

hind a e b e v a e l , e overcom f i , s t It is c . i d fl e n b r o c u t e s s i n d te t easily o n s i The most in t a h t alm n which c o i d t n a a r g y t a i fl r n u their co d n sense of sec a s t c i fl sults. n e r o c g e n s i t n s e t a l n i d able an u just these l a v e c u d o to pr are needed ~ Carl Jung

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Now is the time to slow down. Inner conflicts are resolvable. You don’t resolve inner conflict, however, by rushing through it, attempting to override the part you aren’t comfortable with. Yet, this is precisely what most of us try to do.

So, stop. Honor both sides of the conflict by understanding them. After all, this is you. Your life. Your mind. Of course, it should be easy to honor the conscious, positive element. You’ve been doing that for a long time. Honoring the negative, self-sabotaging side is another story entirely. Most of us don’t even know where to begin. We’d just as soon annihilate this part of ourselves, but that’s just wishful thinking. This is where a deliberate, mindful approach comes in handy. Stop trying to brush over the issue, hoping it will magically vanish. Just be aware of it for a bit. Sit mindfully with full consciousness of both sides of your inner conflict.

Does it make sense that you’ve been stuck for so long, given your conflicting needs or beliefs? If it doesn’t make perfect sense, you may not actually understand the particular needs or beliefs that are relevant. This is another case where trained outside help may be invaluable. It’s hard to see what we believe. Sometimes it’s even harder to fully associate – or mindfully experience the negative or painful side of a conflict. More objective feedback and a trained guide may be necessary.

Wouldn’t it make perfect sense to procrastinate if part of you legitimately believed you would be ridiculed and humiliated and ultimately fail as soon as you took positive action?

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Further, this unconscious negative belief is probably backed by a trail of painful, repressed and unresolved memories that serve as subjective evidence. It affects your decision-making process and will continue to do so until resolved. Now, the common tendency is to minimize the negative belief or conclude that we ‘shouldn’t’ feel that way, thus negating an important, unresolved element of our own psyche. Some of us even begin to ridicule and humiliate ourselves for feeling that way at all.

Ironic, isn’t it? Unconsciously fearing humiliation often leads directly to self-humiliation. This is self-sabotage at it’s pernicious best. This vicious cycle of denial and selfcondemnation only exacerbates the inner conflict, further repressing the negative side and guaranteeing its longevity as an unconscious influence over important life decisions. Whether or not you minimize your personal history or criticize yourself for feeling a certain way, your past has a dramatic impact on the decisions you make. Past experience is considered primary in shaping the very meaning of present events and guiding related decisions. View research on how past experience wires the brain for present decisionmaking here. If you do have the correct sides of the inner conflict in mind (which is a major accomplishment in and of itself) and really do sit with full awareness, without self-criticism, then a surprisingly powerful healing process has already begun. Research shows when you’re mindfully aware of something potentially stressful, you can attend to it without a stressful reaction. This phenomenon has been proven even in more extreme physical circumstances, such as oxygen deprivation. Under these circumstances, with the entire issue on the table, your conscious mind will harness resources and begin naturally to find solutions. New ideas will emerge.

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What would it mean if we took this insight seriously? How would it affect how we approach choice?

To begin with, it would mean listening carefully to our emotions with the intention of understanding what they are telling us about what›s important to us, what we want. Such inner examination expands our inner horizon and brings with it more awareness of our needs. Since our emotions are outward expression of whether or not our needs are met or we anticipate that they will or will not be met, increased awareness of needs can give us insight about why our emotions are moving in particular directions, more understanding about what we truly want, more capacity to negotiate multiple inner needs, and, in the end, more choice we can stand by.

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o t d n i k e b to g n i o g k l m a a I w , e y t a u d in To m 0 1 a r o f g n i o g . k y a b e f l r e b s k y or m w y m g n i r u d s s e e r t i t r s o v a f e tode m o s o t n e t s li o t g g n n i i k o a g t r o I’m f f l e s y m k n a th d n a c i s u m . e r a c f l e s r o f e m i t s i th

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o t d n i k e b o t g n i o g y h ’m t I l , a e h a Today elf s y m g n i k a m y g b n i f l o e g s ’m I my , g n i t a e e l i h w , n is e h h t T t . a h h c t y lun a w e h t o t n o ti n e t t a y a . p e m to r o f g n i h s i r u o n s l foodfee

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Don’t just go through the motions of the activity. Make sure to take a few moments to let this register as an act of self-kindness and self-care.

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Final words from an expert There are many effective tools to choose from when facing inner conflict. If you’re not dealing with the right issue – or only one element of the problem – then no tool will work. This would be like taking your car into the shop and misdiagnosing the mechanical failure. All the fancy tools are useless, or only temporarily helpful, when not applied to the real problem. With that said, we need not get “rid of” the inner critic (nor may we be able to), but we can thank it for trying to protect us and remind ourselves that we have more newly evolved parts of our nervous system that can actually handle the situation even better. As we take steps to strengthen the inner nurturer, over time, this voice becomes louder, and the one we begin to listen to and trust that we can turn to when the going gets rough.

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There will be times when you need to just not deal with your inner conflicts You need to put them aside and ignore them in order to meet the immediate challenges that the world places on each of us. At other times, it may be best to just do whatever you can for your self; indulge yourself as much as you can. At yet other times you may need to get tough with yourself. Exert some self control to force your self to do things you really don’t want to do but know you have to do.