When the Grim Reaper Comes to Our School Dr. Cheryl Sawyer University of Houston Clear Lake [email protected] This presentation suggests materials and intervention strategies to help the counselor be pre-prepared in the event of a death or loss, including letters to parents, strategies for helping the children and the staff, suggestions for supporting family, and ways to promote self care for the counselor throughout this ordeal.

Resources: Draft of Letter Home to Parents • Create draft letters to send home to parents/care givers – – – –

Death of student Death of staff member Death of class pet Death in student’s family

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• Translate draft letters ahead of time • Get district approval in advance if required

Personal Preparation: Self Care • Make a list of things that help you relax or comfort you. • Gather or make copies of any needed supplies • List of phone numbers of other professional counselors outside your district

Personal Preparation: Self Care and Inevitable Loss • Open discussion of future – Acknowledge reality – Listen to thoughts – Acknowledge own fears, thoughts • Making plans – What to tell children – How to support family – School memorial • Saying goodbye – Letter to survivors – Thank you

Personal Preparation: Miscellaneous • • • • • • •

Sympathy Cards Coping Cards Tissues Advil Hard Candy Change Bottle of water

Child and Classroom Support: Literature This image cannot currently be displayed.

Children’s Literature, Continued

El Valiente Bart Una historia para niños traumatizados y afligidos Escrito por Caroline H. Sheppard, ACSW Page 1 Mi nombre es Bart. Yo soy un gatito negro y pequeño a quien le pasó algo muy malo, triste y espantoso, igual que las cosas malas y tristes que te pasaron a ti. Aunque ha sido muy difícil para mí, yo he aprendido mucho de lo que me sucedió. Déjame contarte mi historia…Después de que la cosa mala, triste, y espantosa pasó, muchas cosas en mi vida cambiaron—especialmente mis sentimientos y cómo yo actuaba. Page 2 Al principio, pensaba que era al único que le había pasado algo malo. También pensaba que mis sentimientos eran extrańos y tontos. Mis sentimientos a veces me espantaban. Pensaba que nadie se podía sentir de la misma manera que yo. No le quería contar a nadie mis sentimientos. Traté de mantener mis sentimientos para mí mismo. Pero, aunque mantuve mis sentimientos para mí, empecé a actuar diferente.

Teenager and Adult Support Literature

Child and Classroom Support: Cards • • • • • • • • •

Markers Crayons Card Stock Stamps Stickers Envelopes Scissors Tape Glue

• • • • • •

Puppets Bubbles Balloons Letters Stuffed Animals Sand Tray Items – – – –

Hospital Police Family Classroom

Normal Personal Reactions • 1. Center Yourself • 2. Gather Factual Information • 2. Support Team Plan Activated • 3. Staff Announcement Meeting • 4. School Announcement and Intervention • 5. Staff Release Meeting • 6. Self Care

Shock Fear Confusion Pressure Grief Guilt Inadequacy

Announcing the Loss to the Students Be Prepared for… Do… Practice ahead of time Gently state that you have bad news you need to share Use age appropriate vocabulary Speak slowly Read prepared statement to older children and teenagers Send home notices to parents

Shock Crying Anger Denial Bargaining Sharing of other tragedies and losses Sharing of religious dogma Strange questions/comment Inappropriate Humor or Comments Guilt

Don’t • Announce death over loud speaker • Use colloquial phrases to soften death • Describe suicidal action • Glorify death • Use religious jargon • Share your personal spiritual opinions with students

Secondary Student Response • •

• •

•

Denial: – Invincibility Fallacy Anger – At deceased – Guilt – Heightened chemical response – Scapegoating Bargaining – Investigate, Analyze, Blame Depression – Suicide risk – Lower performance – Increased agitation Acceptance –

Memorials

Staff Support: Day 1 Reflection • At the end of the day, it is helpful to call the staff back together to reflect on the stress of the day.

• Helpful tips include: – – – – –

Reflections/thoughts Read The Next Place Poetry Relaxation Music

Self Care • Team Action Review – What were the positives of this intervention? – What was the hardest part? – How could you strengthen your plan for the future?

•

• Structured Debriefing – www.tlcinst.org – CISM debriefing

Personal Self Care Implement Your Plan Document your experience Support group Rest

The Gift By Cheryl Sawyer With spark of fire and flash of light Add touch of mist and truth and might With the dawn the colors shift. A soul is born, from God a gift. But time moves fast, too short the night The gift from God again takes flight And soars the sky and rides the wind Til he finds his way to God again. CD Mix • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

I Hope You Dance (Martina McBride) I Believe (Brooks and Dunn) The Dance (Garth Brooks) Go Rest High (Vince Gill) Love Remains (Colin Ray) Friend that Died Young (Kenny Chesney) Don't Cry (Brad Paisley) Bridge Over Troubled Waters (Simon and Garfunkel, Willie Nelson) Candle in the Wind (Elton John) Circle of Life- Elton John (Lion King) Holes in the Floor of Heaven (Steve Warner) Tears in Heaven (Eric Clapton) Wind Beneath my Wings (Bette Midler) Arms of an Angel (Sarah McLaughlin) Only Time (Enya) Mama Will Hold Me (Kristi Nelso

Cheri Lovre Director, Crisis Management Institute

Salem, OR 97308 503-585-3484 www.cmionline.org

If you would like to receive the “Tip of the Week” free of charge, please go online to the above listed website and sign up. The tips below are courtesy of Cheri Lovre and present her highly knowledgeable opinions on the subject of grief and loss. Announcing Deaths to Students None of us went into education in order to deal with student deaths, or to help students grieve. If we had wanted to deal with kids and death, we'd have become hospice workers or bereavement counselors. But death visits schools, and if we can rise to the occasion, it provides a wonderful opportunity for us to meet the profound needs students have at such times, giving them coping skills they'll use for a lifetime. Often an administrator believes that because s/he is the person who should take on the difficult responsibilities, the announcement ought to come over the PA or kids should

be gathered in the auditorium to hear it from the authority. But consider the value of having teachers read the announcements to their classrooms. All classrooms. So when a student in a school dies, whether anyone in any given class knows that person or not, the teacher reads a sensitively worded, carefully crafted announcement and then engages students in a discussion about how to support others who may be grieving - asking students to be their "best selves" as they move through the hallways, remembering that others may be struggling. An added benefit of teachers reading these

announcements is that they have the opportunity to talk about death when it isn't emotionally charged, thus teachers gain language and concepts that will help them when it is emotionally close to home. What a terrific way to help teachers prepare for the moment when a student returns to school after a family death. The team won't be called in to help a student struggling with a family death, but the teacher is a critical touchstone for that returning student as s/he begins to learn how to survive in a life that

has been irrevocably changed. Although teachers often want the counselor to talk to students about the difficult issues related to death and grief, this is actually a terrific opportunity for teachers, and students find a much deeper trust with teachers who are willing to share that vulnerable space with students and not abandon them and their emotional needs. The Crisis Resource Manual has a section in it specifically designed to help teachers live with the discomfort and do it anyway.

Dear Parents and Caregivers, I am sorry to inform you that a staff person/student/friend, (NAME), at (SCHOOL NAME), had died (DAY/DATE). (Insert what information can be shared about the cause and circumstances of the death).

If your family has experienced a death or similar loss recently, the death of (NAME) may bring up feelings about that death. This is a normal experience. Please let your child’s (teacher/counselor) know if there is any additional information the school should be aware of so we can provide the support your child needs.

Death can be difficult for us to understand, especially when it is sudden. All of us will be feeling a variety of emotions: shock, sadness, and confusion. What is important is that we care for and support each other.

Any time death touches us it is extremely stressful. This sudden death may be disturbing to you as well as to your child. It is for this reason that we especially want you to know of our caring and support.

The Crisis Response Team has made plans to respond o the emotional needs of the students. (Spell out what is being done: grief counseling, classroom debriefing, and referrals).

Sincerely,

Date: Estimados Estudiantes,

Crisis estará disponible para reunirse con ustedes en (PLACE) para asistirlos con los sentimientos que ustedes tengan. Ustedes podrán compartir los recuerdos que tengan de (NAME). Los miembros del Equipo de Respuesta a Crisis también estarán disponibles a cualquier hora durante el día para ayudarlo si tiene una necesida urgente de hablar con alguien. (Insert here specific information on how students can access Team members for support). Quiero invitar a los estudiantes que particularmente estén molestos, quizás a un lidiando con la muerte de algún familiar o amigo, para que hablen con los miembros del Equipo de Respuesta a Crisis. Ellos estarán dispuestos todo el día para reunirse con ustedes.

(PRINCIPAL’S NAME)

Le he pedido a su maestro que les lea esta carta a ustedes porque quiero asegurarme que todos los estudiantes reciban la misma información sobre la reciente tragedia en nuestra escuela. Me da mucha pena informarles que (NAME), un (maestro, estudiante/amigo) de (SCHOOL NAME), murió (DAY/DATE). (Insert what information can be shared about the cause and circumstances of the death). La muerte puede ser algo difícil de entender para nosotros, especialmente cuando es repentina. Muchos de nosotros podemos tener una variedad de emociones que pueden incluir estar en estado de shock, de tristeza y de confusión. Quiero asegurarles que a nosotros, los miembros del personal de (SCHOOL NAME), nos importan todos ustedes y los sentimientos que estén experimentando. Quiero que sepan que nosotros queremos brindarles apoyo durante este tiempo. El Equipo de Respuesta a

Cada vez que ocurre una muerte nos causa mucha tension. Esta muerte repentina puede causarles un shock y confundirlos. Por estas rezones, queremos especialmente que sepan que estamos dispuestos a brindarles nuestra ayuda y nuestro apoyo. Sinceramente,

(PRINIPAL’S NAME) Bibliotherapy

After a Murder The Dougy Center A book full of journaling and activities to help children after a murder. Focuses on helping them feel safe, talking to police, the media, friends and family, going back to school, remembering the victim, and more. After a Suicide The Dougy Center This is a colorful book of activities to help children after the suicide of a loved one. It touches on how they feel, how to express feelings, how to talk to people about their loved one and their grief, going back to school, dreams and nightmares, and more. A very valuable tool to help a child work through his grief and feelings. Stinky Stern Forever Michelle Edwards Stinky Stern, not well liked by his peers, is hit by a car and killed. The students of his class are faced with how to deal with his death. This moving story is certain to resonate with anyone who has experienced the loss of a classmate or friend. The Next Place Warren Hanson Warren Hanson helps put fear of death to rest in this reassuring book about the afterlife. Set against a soothing sky-blue background, he examines death, providing hope to those terminally ill while reassuring those that remain that there is a "next place." Tear Soup P. Schweibert and C. DeKlyen A Recipe for Healing helps Grandy work through a big loss in her life. Mixing a pot of tears, together with a dash of Bitter, good friends, comfort food, and plenty of exercise, Grandy finds that she is sometimes able to laugh and smile again. Tenth Good Thing About Barney Judith Viorst A boy`s pet cat dies, and his family holds a funeral for the cat. Issues include the afterlife, grief, loss, and finding the positve in loss. Tough Boris Mem Fox Boris was the toughest, meanest pirate ever, but when his parrot died, Boris cried. Issues include mourning, and giving boys permission to cry. Love You Forever Robert Munsch A young mother holds her newborn son and sings him a song of endearment. As he grows older, he becomes an active two-year-old, a rebellious teenager, and an adult. Throughout, the mother holds him while he sleeps and sings him the same song. When she grows old and becomes sick, it`s the son`s turn to hold her and sing it to her--just as he now does with his own baby. This simple story is about the enduring nature of a parent`s love and how it crosses the generations. Brave Bart Caroline H. Sheppard Bart the Cat learns that his thoughts, feelings and behavior after a trauma are common. Traumatized children relate to Bart as symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder are paralleled. Issues include PTSD triggers, peer relationships, getting professional help, trust, reassurance, group support, & hopefulness. Published by the TLC Institute What on Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies? Trevor Romain about death, saying goodbye, and understanding feelings. Blackberry Stew

Answers to questions that kids have

Issues include losing a grandparent.

Cat Heaven / Dog Heaven When Dogs and Cats die, they go to a special place where they can run around, find treats, and play. Issues include the afterlife of a pet.