Navigating through College and Finding Myself BY: GABRIELLE ANNE L. UY

THE SELF AS A NARRATIVE: PERSONAL JOURNAL

MODULE 1: SELF AS PARADOX

MODULE 1 Throughout my entire life, I’ve been called many things: tall, cute, matalino, masipag, masunurin, or literally just nice. After all, I’ve always been in the top ranks at school growing up, under the scrutiny of others. All my teachers deemed me as the model student that my batch mates, and even those who aren’t my age, must aspire to be. Some people would say that I’m lucky to be in this position, and for a while, it did make me feel better about myself. I started to believe in this image of me: the perfect student any teacher or parent could ask for. The problem, though, was that I perhaps started to believe it a bit too much. I realized this the first time I heard about the “masks” concept, wherein I found out that it was possible to look or act differently in front of various people. Back then, I really thought to myself: “how exactly should I act in front of people anyway?” I had always just kind of followed this image of me in people’s minds that I never even stopped to think about what I really wanted to be. And, don’t get me wrong; it’s not anyone’s fault. I was just pressuring myself too much to the point where I never really reflected on who exactly I am. Was I just wearing a mask in front of everyone the entire time? Or, rather, was I just hiding behind it?

MODULE 1 I thought that I knew myself quite well, but the more I reflected on who I was, the more I became afraid to actually get to know myself. My environment, from my microsystem to my exosystem, really has just shaped me into the “perfect person” by their standards. And surprise, surprise I truly am actually an imperfect person with human flaws. It had hurt me to realize these myself, especially as I’ve never really acknowledged them before. I had always focused on becoming better academically and in my extracurriculars, but I’ve never thought about becoming better as a person and recognizing my humanity.

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I’m still anxious, scared, and kind of lost, and to think that I thought I had already understood myself enough was so arrogant of me. But, I’m pleasantly surprised by what I’ve come to realize in just one module. There’s so much more to me than what seems at the surface level, and even if I’m slightly terrified about what I’m about to figure out, I’m really excited to get to know myself more and understand where exactly I come from in relation to, not just my environment, but also to myself.

MODULE 2: SELF AS AN INTEGRATED SYSTEM OF BODY-MIND-AFFECT

MODULE 2 Being “slightly terrified” was an understatement. Yes, I was scared to know more about myself, but I hadn’t expected to be so active in everything. I wanted to try out new things, meet new people, pursue other goals, but now that everything’s on my plate, I’m terribly overwhelmed by it all. I really should have planned it more; had I been less impulsive, I probably wouldn’t have to deal with this much all at once. And now, I’m at this stage in college wherein I’m part of six organizations, heading two projects, and trying to maintain my four A’s. I really thought I could handle it. After all, I’ve gone through worse in high school when I literally skipped meals just to finish the projects. Still, I feel like the pressure is so much more now that I’m with complete strangers. I’m such an overthinker when it comes to meeting new people, and I often wonder about what they think of me. I take into account every single detail, from their facial expressions, tone of voice, and even choice of words. When I learned about the two systems, I kind of realized that this is wrong. So wrong, in fact, that it’s actually really unhealthy and toxic of me to judge people too quickly simply based on what I see, which, even then, is incredibly biased. I’ve kept using system one to be quick to think on my feet and draw really haste conclusions when I should have just reassessed and thought more logically.

MODULE 2 For example, even if someone sounds annoyed, it might not be because of me. It might be their burnout from school, the environment at home, or even the fact that it’s a Monday morning. I really should be more considerate about different scenarios and not be too self-conscious about my relationships with people. Moreover, I feel like it’s because I’m socially anxious that makes me like this. I’ve always been afraid to talk to new people, to the point where I feel my stomach churning with just eye contact. Perhaps it’s the uncontrollable emotions (fear, nervousness, apprehension, etc.) that make me way too conscious, which then makes me think rather less critically. But, the more I try to avoid thinking too much about these instances, the more I feel liberated and free to just be myself. Being conscious means I’m hiding behind a “perfect mask” again, and that’s just counterproductive to what I’m aiming towards. Looking back at my module 1 entry, I was so excited to explore and just get to know myself, but not even a month later, I’m already regressing back to my old self. Still, I now know more about regulating these emotions and just pushing them aside temporarily to think more logically and critically and avoid falling into the trap I’ve created for myself. And, maybe, I could even turn the slightly crippling pressure into encouragement and motivation someday!

MODULE 3: SELF AS DEVELOPING AND PARTICIPATING

MODULE 3 Surprisingly, I feel like I already was able to turn pressure into motivation. See, one of the projects I am heading is that of Ateneo EDucation Geared towards Empowerment (Ateneo EDGE), which is an organization that empowers the marginalized and underprivileged children through educating them about English and Mathematics. The project I was talking about was a Christmas fundraiser, and I took the initiative to make it its entire, independent, larger-scale project called Ateneo EDGE: Kutitap. Building this whole thing from scratch just kind of realized how capable I actually am. To be honest, I had been kind of insecure about my abilities seeing all kinds of different people around me. It wasn’t that negative, though, but I really did think that I couldn’t do it and that other people could have done it so much better than me. Still, seeing it come to life and slowly but surely become a success just makes me so happy, comfortable, and proud. I really pushed myself to make this as perfect it can be, and the pressure honestly got to me sometimes, but I just reminded myself that this is for the kids in our partner community. I never got to do this work in my younger years since my parents often just told me to focus on working with them in the family business, so now that I have this time to explore my personal advocacies, I feel so much more fulfilled.

MODULE 3 It made me guilty at times: I sometimes felt like I was wasting time doing these rather than building more practical and monetizable skills in other organizations, but as I learned more about the youth revolution and emerging adulthood, I've felt more at ease with myself. I can explore myself through these actions and the children, and I am loving who I am becoming so far! I have learned how to become empathetic and compassionate, and those attributes are so much important to my everyday life, in my opinion. More than that, I feel like my parents have finally seen me as a capable, reliable, and independent person. Especially since I’m the youngest of their three children, I have been babied my whole life, but I think that they have finally realized it’s time to see me as someone who’s trying to build herself for herself and others. They have finally treated me the same way they have been treating my older siblings, and I’m so excited to see how much I can grow from this!

MODULE 4: SELF AND IDENTITY IN RELATION: FAMILY, PEERS, SOCIETY

MODULE 4 It actually took a while before my parents accepted this version of me, or who I wanted to be: a person for others. Again, they were always so business-minded, and I, growing up, had always wanted to become a doctor to help cure the sick. I would say that this was my separation phase since it was something that I saw on the TVs and idolized, saying, “I want to be like that in the future!” I had thought that it would be really cool to have “powers” that could save someone’s life. As I grew older, though, I realized that there’s so much more than just healing that comes with being a doctor. There are different types, and the adolescent me had turned my idealistic dream into something deeper and more rooted to my personal beliefs: I realized that not only did I want to become a doctor, but I also wanted to serve the marginalized and underprivileged sectors of society. In a sense, this was when my self-assertion phase started, and, in turn, my parents started to notice that this childhood dream of mine might actually turn into reality. My father started small. He began by pointing out that being a doctor might risk my health, and he did make a fair point. But, as time went on, he realized that he wasn’t really getting the effect he wanted out of me, so he started being more firm and harsh with his words, even going to the extent of calling me selfish for wanting to do something out of his wants I had apparently owed him that much. Hearing this broke my heart, and it had felt like irreversible damage has been done. So, I naturally held back and became more separated from my parents. I just lived my own life, and they lived theirs.

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MODULE 4 It was only when I had to pick my course that I realized he meant more than what he said. I looked into doctors’ opportunities, experiences, and wages, and I began seeing his point of view. To him, it probably looked like a doctor’s future is much more measly and risky than if I went to the field of business, and I thought to myself, “Maybe, just maybe, he meant well and just didn’t express himself clearly.” And so, I began my mutuality phase. Permeability came not too long after when I made my own decision to go to a business course instead and pursue service in a different sense. I had ensured that the course I picked still interested me: BS Information Technology Entrepreneurship was a mix of business, the arts, and technology, all of which I am intent to learn. And, so far, I’ve been really happy. I’m surrounded by like-minded people, have made good friends along the way, and have found a balance between service (through organizations) and practicality. In a way, I can really see where my father was going with this, and I’m actually not as separated from my father now, too, as I’ve made conscious efforts to get closer to him again. He’s definitely not perfect, and he doesn’t really know how to be sensitive with his words, but I can tell that he meant, and still means, well all along. This individuation lesson actually taught me more than what was written in the modules, and I am so glad to have opened my mind to maybe having a closer relationship with my father.

BINHI INTERMODULE: SELF AS EVERYDAY ACTIVE

INTERMODULE My Binhi experience wasn’t surprising at all since I already studied a lot of these aspects in my senior high school classes, but seeing everything in action definitely stuck with me the most. I was so disturbed to know that all of these had not been theoretical, but, rather, they were confirmed to be real and happening to real people. See, having taken Humanities and Social Sciences meant that I’ve written so many papers about social implications, but I’ve never actually gone on the field to see the situation for myself. Going through the Binhi program just affirmed all of my suspicions and fears about these people, and it’s just kind of devastating to think of on a more micro-level: the individuals, families, and worlds they live. Still, I feel like I should still consider the whole idea of different perspectives. Perhaps I feel pity and despair over their situation because I come from a more privileged background and have tasted a “better quality of life” because I can tell that they aren’t exactly unhappy about their circumstances. Don’t get me wrong; there’s still avid social inequality and poverty in the Philippines that should, by all means, be eradicated, but I can tell that Tatay is still content with where he is at. He is mostly fighting for the rights and wellbeing of his kids’ futures, and it is so respectable of him to do so. I am just thinking that maybe there is still a bit of beauty even amidst the darkest places of society. And, I’m glad that, through Tatay’s stories and anecdotes, his family isn’t completely feeling completely negatively about their lifestyles.

INTERMODULE Speaking of lifestyles, I’m also glad to notice that we have more similarities than we have differences. We love the same things like fried chicken, coffee, and even types of fish. It’s just a bit fun to also consider that maybe, I’m not as “high-class” as what society deems me to be. There’s such a big gap between social classes in the Philippines, and I now know that this is more in terms of tangible wealth like assets, cash, and opportunities. I’m happy to know that I actually enjoy the same things as these other people do, and I’m also glad that they get to at least also have these simple joys in life despite their dire circumstances. The difference, however, lies in the way we value these “simple joys.” It’s a matter of perspective again. I see it as “simple” and “small,” basically things I can enjoy in my everyday life if I wanted to, but to Tatay, they’re considered privileges already. He often talked about how they only had fried chicken during special occasions like Christmas or his birthday, and it kind of made me feel so guilty to take these things for granted. Perhaps I can be more grateful for everything I own and am served every single day since people like Tatay would crave for these and wait until the holiday season to actually enjoy.

INTERMODULE All of these aspects of my Binhi journey make me all the more motivated to contribute to helping others and the world around me. I have the means and resources to do so, and I should focus on being more active in everyday activism to really make the most out of my time. I want to make a difference as quickly and as efficiently as I can, and I intend to stay with what I have been doing so far: being a part of organizations and projects that help out the marginalized sectors of society. More importantly, I shall keep all of these lessons to heart and ensure that none of these will go to waste. Instead, I will pour them into small actions like reminding and educating others around me about what’s going on in these parts of the country, creating public awareness by posting social media content easily propagated, and, most importantly, never giving up on them. I’m aware that so many people my age and social status just care a bit less about these issues because they either do not see the bigger picture or have given up trying because of the systematic flaws of the government. But, I believe that people like us are the only hope of these people. Who else would make educated votes for the right politicians? Who else would speak up for them? Who else could make better infrastructure, economical standing, human resource development, etc.? There’s really only so much an individual can do, but I believe that if I can persuade these other people like me to step up, then we could actually make a sustainable change in society. I just have to actively participate in and engage with people and activities: something that I will always stick by no matter what.

- Gabbi 12.13.21